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Difficult, but worth it.

The following was written by a former medical student.

good read.

(article came from Martha Isabelle Muñoz aka Mabel Muñoz)



FUTURE DOCTORS, IT'S WORTH READING.



I am an MD-to-be.



I live an unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle composed merely of sleeping for four hours a night (that is if you get lucky). Sitting for long hours in the classroom. My exercise regimen is changing classrooms, standing for an hour or two during bedside discussions, and carrying thick-paged and hard-bound medical books.





I am on the verge of caffeine addiction. All my energy has been drained from me. And the worst part is, I'm not just physically drained, I'm mentally and emotionally drained and socially stunted. Is this the price I have to pay to be a doctor, to have that right to attach to my name those two most important letters in the alphabet, MD?





Being a med student is like being handed a free roundtrip ticket to hell. For me, at least, it feels like it.





I'm not delusional. I'm not discouraging anybody to be a doctor. But, one must know and understand the realities—The truth that lies behind the typical life of a medical student.





Before I entered medical school, I already had this preconceived notion that it would be really difficult.





That was an understatement.





First year was devoted to studying the "normal". The greatest bulk of my time was spent smelling formalin in the Anatomy laboratory with the cadavers. Since my pre-med was not Physical Therapy, I really had a hard time memorizing the origin, insertion, and actions of muscles which the doctors lovingly tie during practical examinations. Hello! Of course I know the commencement, termination, and tributaries of pudendal vein, but where the heck is it? I could not find it. I bet, even if they give me the whole hour to look for that vein, I'll never find it.





Biochemistry? You need a trillion neurons to accommodate the litany of information you have to store. You'll need more than 36 ATP from glycolysis and Kreb's cycle to pass that subject. And more importantly, gluconeogenesis should also take place in your brain, not limited in your liver, because you'll really need a large amount of glucose to feed your ischemic brain.





If you can live in Neuroanatomy, Histology, Anatomy, and Biochemistry memorizing without understanding, Physiology is a different story. Physiology is understanding without the need of memorizing, which unfortunately, was even harder for me.





Moving on from first year to second year was like transferring from the Sahara Desert to Siberia . Everything we studied was abnormal. We spent hours in Pathology looking under the microscope, helplessly racking every corner of our brains for the diagnosis of a small scraped tissue. How could you tell that the patient is having a heart failure, that she has cancer and that she only has five years to live just by examining a teeny-weeny bit of stained tissue, resembling more an abstract-surrealist painting which I can never appreciate?





The essence of being a doctor nowadays is to be able to give the patient a prescription (Right or wrong, most of the time it does not matter anymore. Patients get instantly healed when they get their prescriptions) . And in our Pharmacology examinations, I usually don't get the right drug for prescription writing. Well, except for Paracetamol, but what the heck, I always computed for the wrong dosage.





Internal Medicine tackled history and physical diagnosis. Here, you'll get a first-hand experience of interviewing a real patient. It's one small step closer to being a doctor. I remembered how nervous I was approaching my first patient. I didn't know what to ask. My line of inquiry lacked coherence. I fumbled with the physical examination, wondering why I could not hear any heart sounds nor breath sounds, only to find out I wore my stethoscope the wrong way.





I've just finished third year and I'm barely alive. Third year was a totally different story. I had completely lost the idealism I had when I entered med school. I am beginning to ask myself why I'm spending the prime years of my life almost a breath away from cadavers, half alive-half dead myself. At 23, I should be earning already, And not be an immense burden to my parents. I have a high-maintenance lifestyle.





My parents would spend close to a P100,000 a semester only for my tuition.





I still had to ask my mom money for my books and daily allowance. And I know that this setup will continue another four years or so. As my high school friends are starting to save their earnings and beginning to build families of their own, I'm hardly out of med school, probably still stuck reading Harrison's Internal Medicine, cramming for a case presentation and helplessly being grilled by a consultant during bedside discussion.





Being a med student is nothing but sacrifice…. First and foremost, you have to give up sleep… Sleep is the most precious gift any med student could ever receive. It seems that sleep does not exist in the vocabulary of our teachers. Sleep is taboo to medicine except when doctors advise it to their patients.





It's totally ironic. Doctors know that human beings (medical students included), in order to function maximally the following day should at least get eight hours of sleep. Then why do they expect us to read everything, to pass all their difficult exams, actively participate in case discussions and to answer all their questions when you only get an average of four hours or less sleep per day? We're not different from human beings who need to eat three times a day, who breathe the same air, and who need to rest.





It's not as if God had given us an extraordinary pineal gland and reticular system so that have an extraordinary circadian rhythm and a long, long state of arousal. I just hope our doctors would understand that if a med student failed to read something, it's not because he was lazy. He was probably tired and had gone to a dreamless slumber because he spent the previous night like a psycho studying for three exams.





I have sacrificed time for my family, for my friends, and for myself. My whole life right now is devoted to





Harrison, to Schwartz, to Nelson, to Adams, to Smith, to Green, to Kaplan, all authors of my medical books. I mean if these are the surnames of all the guys I go out with, seven times a week, geez! I would die a happy and fulfilled woman! Instead of accompanying my mom to the supermarket, I have to stay home because I have to study. My dad had already complained to me that I do not have time for him.





My friends had stopped calling me because whenever they talked to me I either spoke in monosyllabic words, or they could not understand me because I spoke as if I drank tons of tequila. I talked like a drunk. Well, in fact, I was just in the middle of a dreamless sleep.





See? How can you choose this kind of lifestyle? It' s not even a lucrative job anymore. You have to get rid of all the more experienced and old doctors to get even a handful of patients. So, if you want to be a millionaire, don't slave in the hospital because even if God had made one day 72 hours, instead of 24,

or gave us 14 days instead of 7 in one week, you're still way off your one million mark before the age of 30. Of course, I have witnessed a lot of people giving up med school…. But never have I heard, not even an anecdote, of a rich businessman giving up his entire career, just to study medicine.





Being a doctor is not something you have to decide overnight. It's not a result of your whim or a fulfillment of your parents' dream. Because if these would be your reasons, you're entering the wrong profession. Choosing to be a doctor means being committed to a lifelong journey of endless sacrifice.





You have to be sure that this is the life you want to live—that you love to live—not something you'd tire of halfway. The ironic thing is I never wanted to be a doctor in the first place. I wanted to be a writer, a novelist, or even a journalist. I was just dragged by my mother to take up medicine but fortunately after seven years of schooling, I learned to love it. Of course I still have doubts that maybe I'm really not cut out to be a doctor, leading me to think if it's really worth it. At this point, I don't know anymore. What inspires me to continue is that in the future, I know I'm going to save a man's life. And through it, I can honestly say to myself that I have made a difference in someone else's life. And I reckon, maybe that's what being a doctor is all about.





It's not working in some fancy hospital, earning big bucks from your patients, changing your cars quarterly from BMW to an Alfa Romeo to a Jaguar, nor travelling around the world magnanimously sponsored by some big drug companies. Neither is it the various letters attached at the end of your name. Being a true doctor is not treating the patient as some hypothetical case from a medical textbook. It is treating the patient as a human being, Who possesses a heart that does not only pump blood but a heart that could feel, who doesn't have a brain that is visualized only as black and white in an MRI or CT scan but has a mind that could reason, who is not merely composed of cells, of tissues, of organs, and of different systems but a human being who has a soul. Being a doctor is being able to look at every patient's eyes and seeing in their depths the hope that somehow you can make one father go home and enjoy dinner with his family, or you can make a grandmother attend her only grandchild's piano recital, or you can send a mother to be with her daughter as she enters into the complicated life of adolescence or you can transform an infant's cry to a frolicking laughter. Being a doctor means being a part of an unimaginable greatness that you can only understand if you surrender yourself to years of rigorous training and incessant pursuit of medical knowledge.





During all my interviews in different med schools, they asked me why I wanted to be a doctor. I always answered that I wanted to help and save humanity. I'm sure all my interviewers have heard that same line from countless fellow applicants. But I don't care because it's the truth. I don't know how I can do it but I know eventually I will, in my own small way. Medicine is neither for the weak-minded nor the weak-hearted. My endurance has been tested. My strength has been staunchly fortified. Medicine has changed me completely. I have sacrificed a great deal and most of the times, I may feel I'm not compensated. Most of the time, I would want to give up but I know deep in the core of my heart, I won't. For after careful reflection, I realized that being a doctor actually gives me a different kind of happiness, a different kind of self-fulfillment, which I can never find in any profession. Well, I just hope my fellow aspiring doctors are fortunate enough to share the same sentiments.

it never gets easier being an asshole.

if anything it gets harder. coz u know how that person is gonna react after u break it to em. the tears that start to come out of their eyes, the sound of em trying to hold back tears and breaking down.

i hate breaking up with ppl.

it sucks..and it's the hardest thing to do. im not trying to say im some kind of stud, but ive done my share of breaking up with ppl and it's never pleasant, even if u do have a rebound..and no..i do not have a rebound in case youre wondering.

throughout the years, ive grown..mentally that is..ive become more empathetic towards ppl. and its a double edged sword..it's made me kind, but at the same time, i become too nice. and empathy doesnt work too well when ur trying to end  something.

like, when i tried ending a relationship with someone, i always feel bad, coz ive been on the receiving end before..and it sucks balls..so ill end up giving it another try..NOT because i want to, but because if u were them i would want another chance..so it's more out of pity..and that is just no good..it becomes a vicious cycle..the relationship is there, but not really..it's like teetering between being friends and being lovers..basically limbo..

and it is not a good feeling..and when u see the person going through the different stages of a break up..it just hurts even more..and u just wanna stop the break up and get back with that person so you wont feel like a terrible person.

that's another thing..u just end up feeling like an asshole. u just feel like u did the most terrible thing a human being could ever do...combine that feeling with him/her crying in front of you, u just feel..well..like a dick head..and this leads to you trying to get back with her to get rid of the asshole-ish feeling u have about yourself.

--------------------------

but like the wise poop-depositor of home depot once said..

it's normal to feel that way. and it's normal for that person to cry..what? you expect them not to cry? you just broke their heart! of course theyre gonna cry..and if u think getting back with em is gonna fix it..it's just gonna make it worse..coz ur not 100% in the relationship..ppl will cry and you will feel terrible..it's normal.

----

and that's that.

chapter 5 is done.

dad..im done.

when you were a kid, did ur dad wipe your ass after u dropped a atom bomb in the toilet?

so after eating dinner this one time, i was stuffed. i mean, i ate clams, oysters, halo-halo, pot roast, and other crap i can barely remember..all i remember is it was delicious.  so anyways, after im done stuffing my chiseled face, i feel my stomach rumble..im like.."ohh man...not here..i hate crappin in public restrooms."  but this one was persisten.  it tickled my sphincter like no other..there was no way i could hold it in...so i got up and started walking to the bathroom.

as luck would have it, all the cans were taken..so i had to wait.  and while im waiting and tightening my sphincter to prevent my hershey squirts from coming out, i see this old dude just sitting on the counter beside the sink.  the guy had a scruffy look to him and brown eyes, and sort of looked like a dad..i took all this in, coz i was wondering what he was doing there just sitting on the counter.


after about 1 minute, i hear a voice call from the can.  a voice that can only belong to a kid that hasnt hit puberty yet...he's saying, "dad, im done."..and then the old fellow on the counter drops to his feet and...........


so wait..before i tell you what the dad was going to do, im gonna tell you what i thought he was gonna do.  i thought the father was going to help him put his belt back up or something coz the kid mightve had one of those belts that needed assistance..or it was either the dad was just gonna tuck in his shirt and make him look presentable back at the dinner table--yes, both choices are similar, but it's my story...so yeah.


back to the story--so after the dad got off the counter he walked over to the stall and opened the stall door..and what i see is this kid sitting on the toilet with his pants down..my nose gets a whiff of this aroma that could kill the wolf from 300..and im like "uhm..hmmm.."  before i even blink my eyes, the dad has toilet paper in his hands and is wiping his son's ass and  pouring water with a little bucket over the kid's ass..and the kid looks at me..and i dk what to do..coz im like..wow..this kid is almost a teenager and his dad is still wiping  his ass like a baby..by now, my poop has retreated..and i the urge to drop on in the toilet has dissipated.


not a really cool story, but weird nonetheless.

He's the navigator

you guys watch rally racing? u know..the ones that uses lancers and STIs? well anyways, this type of race has a driver [obviously] and a navigator. the navigator usually tells the driver what's ahead of him so the driver can get ready for it..for example, "sharp left 30 ft ahead...180 degree turn quarter kilometer"..somethin like that..anyways..so yeah..without the navigator, the driver would just be bumping into trees, making lousy turns, and what have you..this also means that were navigator present, the driver would need to pays strict attention to the navigator..the driver must not try to predict what is coming up next on the path and/or think his navigator is wrong....or the driver loses his sense of direction and purpose

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so i recently finished a book called "Grim reaper: end of days".  dont wanna get into the details of the book coz frankly, there are too many themes and ideas that compressed in that book, that it would take a whole night to give my point of view about what the author, Steve Alten, wrote.  so anyways, there was a recurring quote by the protagonist the in the book..it was "God is asleep behind the wheel."  which goes to say that God is oblivious to all the things going on in the world..which is hard to argue with...i mean..with another earthquake hitting japan, its hard not to believe that He isnt asleep.  anyways..im starting to deviate from my main point  [i have so much to argue about spirituality, that i have to separate them entry by entry].

so yeah..not only have i heard that quote in the book..ive heard ppl say it in movies and in real life.   

"God is asleep  behind the wheel."

ive never really agreed with that quote because ive always believed in free wil.. if God is behind the wheel, it implies that were not in control of our lives..we are not in control of our destiny. ive always believed that God was the one guiding us..the one always whispering to us to do the right thing.  we are the ones that are actually behind the wheel.  not the big man upstairs.  

yes..God has a plan, but it's up to us to make the right decisions to reach that plan..to follow his instructions..coz He's the navigator





Note: i apologize.  my entries have been weak lately.  ive just been consumed with reading all these novels. and when i get to the part of actually blogging em, all the cool words, thoughts, and ideas exit out of my butt.

 

chop suey

you guys know what chop suey is? it's a mixture of random vegetables..or that's what ive been told..it's delicious..just like this entry

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so yesterday i was packing my clothes into a box..coz im leaving for the states soon..and pretty much pampanga, until i start medicine in september in manila..so anyways..im packing my shorts..and as i push down on my shorts to make the pile of clothes smaller, i hear a crunching sound..so im like..hmm..what the hell is this? so i check the pockets..none on the right pocket, none on right butt cheek, or left butt cheek pocket..finally..i get to the leftside pocket..i feel paper..so i think it's some kind of note that i left in my pocket hella long ago..coz the last time i wore these shorts was back in 2007. so yeah..i pull my handout..and it's a A.!!!

i cant believe it..i found A. in my pocket. well..i mean i could believe it a little..coz i have a habit of leaving this in random places to surprise myself..haha..like sometimes ill put this or that inside a drawer i know i wont open for a long time..or a pair of shoes..ill stick stuff in it..so when i put my shoe on, ill be like "what is this?" you guys should try it..it's exciting.


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this is another cockroach entry. i actually killed a cockroach 2days ago, but i keep forgetting to blog about it, or im just lazy..prly the latter..sooo

i see this cockroach in my sink..and im brushing my teeth..and the cockroach is like staring at me. like he's daring me to kill him..i felt like i was in the movie MiB. i wanted to stomp him like will smith did, but my leg could reach that high into the sink..so i start pouring water on it..thinking it would drown him or something, but to no avail..so what i do..i start going thru my kitchen supplies..

until i found a good combination..first i poured B. all over him [yes..the cockroach is a male]. this made him lose his footing on the sink..so he couldnt climb out..then second, i poured C...which like put him in a seizure a little bit, but he regained composure after a short while..so finally i put D. all over him..this was the final nail in the coffin for this little cockSUCKER [you like what i did there?]! the .C put him into uncontrollable spasms..and as his little legs tried to grip the surface of the sink to escape, he just fell back in coz of the B. ..but what really killed him i think was the C. and D. it was crazy...i shouldve recorded it.

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im a firm believer in God. i guess coz i was raised catholic, which begs the question, do i believe in God, coz i was raised to believe in him? or do i believe in him, coz i....believe in him..hahaha.

anyways,my mind always reasoned out that it's better to believe in something, then nothing at all..when all else fails..you always have faith to rely on..which leads to another question..do i only have faith when all things are going wrong..and then when things are going my way, do i lose faith because im led to believe things are going my way coz i achieved them?

anyways..this God-segment is way too much to talk about..it's gonna need a whole separate entry..so yeah.

i believe we all have a plan..that we're all part of a plan..that all we've been through as baby up to now is part of a big plan that the man upstairs has concocted for all of us. that's why now, im usually happy-go-lucky, coz i feel like im being taken cared of from above..gahhh..i dk..this sounded cool in the shower when i was lathering my hair with shampoo..

do you guys rinse and repeat?

A. $21

B. Cooking oil

C. Salt

D. Soy sauce

ok.

as the days start to subtract and subtract..i start to feel this kind of sadness...? im gonna miss my rle group.

i never really thought of em as anything..i just thought of em as a vessel to graduate. they were just that..nothing more..nothing less.

but now that im leaving soon..i realize they were my pseudofamily here..i didnt really have anyone here besides my SO. i hung out with em, stayed up late with em..gossiped with them..i dk. im gonna miss those ppl i guess.

throughout my four years here in the philippines, ive met a bunch of local ppl. local ppl that i thought were just temporary beings. that i wouldnt develop any kind of lasting friendship with them.

but now as i get closer to leaving this city, im realizing that im gonna miss some of these ppl. im never gonna see em again. or i mean it's a slim chance im gonna see em again. coz it's not like back home in the states, where you always have a chance of running into someone..these are different countries..haha. and yes..i may run into some of em in manila, but that also seems like a slim chance.

i dk..i just never thought i would miss the ppl here despite our differences.

weak entry, huh?