this is my musical attack

hmm..im blogging..coz i need a break from studying..my past blogs seem half-assed to me..so im gonna try to make this one super duper awesome..like me.

Mr. Auerbach said that, “Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”

which is true. but music is such a double edged sword..like it sets moods right? but sometimes it sets moods that arent true..like it sets false moods..like for example..when i would listen to "the background" by 3rd eye blind..i would think of "her"...coz the song talks about how this guy lost his partner coz she died..haha..i know i dont relate to it, but..blah..ill just put in a segment that i can relate to..haha.

Everything is quiet since youre not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background
I do the things we did before..

The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Im in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat

I felt you long after we were through, we were through

so yeah..ill post a link to the song later on..but as you can see..that can totally make u miss someone even more..but is it a true feeling? or is it just coz the song is making you feel that way.

now, if i listen to another song by the same band called "motorcycle drive by" my mood changes..it makes me not miss that person..and makes me wanna move on...so yeah..here some snippets that i can identify with

When I came to visit you
That's when I knew I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive...

And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen ..


And this is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am..

 I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

as you may notice, those lyrics would make anyone wanna move on..and the last segment was in a previous entry..so yeah..

so what's the point of this entry? i dk..i just wanted to talk about how music can influence a person a lot..despite it all...music is my sweetest drug.

The background
Motorcycle drive by

there is no happily ever after.

was 2 nights ago a fluke? like..did u really wanna talk to me? or was it the alcohol talking?

coz i swear. i was this close to diving back in again. It was foolish of me to think she mightve wanted more than just a friendly conversation. I dk. We talked for two hours, fired back and forth with each other like we used to. I felt the chemistry again. Maybe she didn't, but I did.

it's a good thing i tested the waters with her. i dk what she feels..i know i shudnt think much of it..she was under the influence and she wanted to talk. was it the alki? or did she genuinely wanna talk to me? im thinking it was the alki. i think 2 nights ago was just nothing but drunk talk from her. haha.

wanna know somethin pathetic? the next day i was hoping we would talk after her little fraternity rush thingamajigger. i was really hoping. i looked through my inbox every like 5 min. just to see if she replied..hahaha..im not even sad..i just feel so pathetic. i feel pathetic for thinking..no, fuck that..hoping that we would be able to talk that night..but there's more...that was only yesterday where i checked my inbox like a madman...i even thought tonight [fccuk..2 days of stupid hoping] we would be able to talk..hahaha..we shot messages back and forth for awhile..but she had some 21 and up activities to attend to. stupid me. i shuda realized she's in college..away from home..21..with a great affinity to having fun all the time. why didnt i realize that?

i almost feel sad. but i feel more pathetic. im laughing at myself as i type this. 2 nights ago was like a controlled explosion..that took off some of the stone that got built around my so-called heart. but today..the layer that was blown off just grew even thicker.

ever since i met her..shit..even until today, she was the only one that could take off the layers of cement, stone, walls..whatever u wanna call it..around my heart...she was the only one that could change my mind in a hot second about the way i felt...like..if i said i was over her..and then if she messaged me 5 min later..i would be on her like white on rice... but as of this moment...she's nothing special anymore...she doesnt hold that power over me anymore..she's nothing but another girl to me.

i used to think she was the greatest person id ever met...that nothing could ever match up with her...that no girl i would meet, date, etc would ever reach her status..but now..when i think of her..it's just.."meh..ok..yeah..she's just a girl." it's time to just focus on school...and, i hate to say it, in med school, maybe i will meet a girl as ambitious, driven, random, mean, and as much of control freak as i am. who knows? all i know is that..i bit the bullet..now it's time to just move on. I'm sorry for thinking we couldve been more.

Are we friends? Yeah, we're friends, asil. :)

[and some of u haters out there can i say "ohh..youve had so many entries about moving on..when will you actually move on?" true..ive had a lot of entries about it..but this feeling is different..it's hard to explain..but im finally done. just take my word for it.]

still strong

longest day of my life. im not used to having sat. off.  and that means more idle time and studying time.it's the idle time i fear the most. coz that's when the unwanted thoughts come out from hibernation. i try to put them back to sleep by studying, but i pretty much know my shit, and when i over study i tend to get a migraine.

so now, i just gotta deal with the idle time.  tryin to keep them in the box as long as i can. 

youre ever so inviting.  i dk what to think.  even though i know we cant be together anymore..youre always that little background music playing in my head..even in my sleep i hear and feel you. i dont know why i cant escape you. i mean..dont get me wrong ppl..it's not distracting to my studies at all..coz i know when to shut that part of my mind down when im studying.  i have no clue why i cant just let go of you..its been 4 FCKN YEARS...hahaha..it's funny/pathetic. i dk what it is about you that a part of me wont let go of. even until now..i think about the things we did before. the plans i made still have you in them..coz you always seem to show up in my head..blah..your voice is music to my ears.

.

organized thoughts

man..what a day..im so tired..just got done studying and all that..and i get tomorrow off..so that's good. i love my schedule..mon-tues lecture..wed off..thurs-sat clinicals..sun. off.  i like the random break on wed..helps keep my mind from burning out.

anyways, i got my ncm grade..ncm is basically an 8 unit class..coz clinicals are tied in with it..uhmm..what else, ncm is where they basically teach you all the nursing stuff u need to know..no b.s. info..so yeah..i got 96 bitches..that's crazy..

oh wait, before i proceed, i have to drop some info..i dont like mentioning this to anyone..in fact only a few ppl know, but i earned a scholarship 2 years ago..so i basically get 40% off my tuition coz i have an overall avg of 92%..w/c leads me to my next thought.

so yeah..96 in ncm and another 96 in my other class..i have yet to know what my last class' grade is..so yeah..my thinking is, maybe...MAYBE i could reach that 95% avg..and that means i get 50% off..that would be sick..now to my next thought

in order to reach that average, i would have to be a hermit...and now i dont mind being one..coz ive just been hooked on books when im not doin shit anyways..like i said in an earlier entry, i dled the percy jackson books..and right now, im dling all the sherlock holmes books..so i can read it too..the movie was awesome by the way.

uhmm..yeah..i think that's it..oh wait..so yeah, i got some calvin klein underwear from the states, but i havent even worn em here yet..i dk why..it's like when i see em in my drawer, i dont wanna waste em on a school day..i wanna wear em when something worth doing comes along..like going on a date or something..or grilling some steaks..hahaha..


siiiigghh....im so awesome.