coz i swear. i was this close to diving back in again. It was foolish of me to think she mightve wanted more than just a friendly conversation. I dk. We talked for two hours, fired back and forth with each other like we used to. I felt the chemistry again. Maybe she didn't, but I did.
it's a good thing i tested the waters with her. i dk what she feels..i know i shudnt think much of it..she was under the influence and she wanted to talk. was it the alki? or did she genuinely wanna talk to me? im thinking it was the alki. i think 2 nights ago was just nothing but drunk talk from her. haha.
wanna know somethin pathetic? the next day i was hoping we would talk after her little fraternity rush thingamajigger. i was really hoping. i looked through my inbox every like 5 min. just to see if she replied..hahaha..im not even sad..i just feel so pathetic. i feel pathetic for thinking..no, fuck that..hoping that we would be able to talk that night..but there's more...that was only yesterday where i checked my inbox like a madman...i even thought tonight [fccuk..2 days of stupid hoping] we would be able to talk..hahaha..we shot messages back and forth for awhile..but she had some 21 and up activities to attend to. stupid me. i shuda realized she's in college..away from home..21..with a great affinity to having fun all the time. why didnt i realize that?
i almost feel sad. but i feel more pathetic. im laughing at myself as i type this. 2 nights ago was like a controlled explosion..that took off some of the stone that got built around my so-called heart. but today..the layer that was blown off just grew even thicker.
ever since i met her..shit..even until today, she was the only one that could take off the layers of cement, stone, walls..whatever u wanna call it..around my heart...she was the only one that could change my mind in a hot second about the way i felt...like..if i said i was over her..and then if she messaged me 5 min later..i would be on her like white on rice... but as of this moment...she's nothing special anymore...she doesnt hold that power over me anymore..she's nothing but another girl to me.
i used to think she was the greatest person id ever met...that nothing could ever match up with her...that no girl i would meet, date, etc would ever reach her status..but now..when i think of her..it's just.."meh..ok..yeah..she's just a girl." it's time to just focus on school...and, i hate to say it, in med school, maybe i will meet a girl as ambitious, driven, random, mean, and as much of control freak as i am. who knows? all i know is that..i bit the bullet..now it's time to just move on. I'm sorry for thinking we couldve been more.
Are we friends? Yeah, we're friends, asil. :)
[and some of u haters out there can i say "ohh..youve had so many entries about moving on..when will you actually move on?" true..ive had a lot of entries about it..but this feeling is different..it's hard to explain..but im finally done. just take my word for it.]
