stupid entry.

i was supposed to sleep like 2 hours ago, but i couldnt sleep....so i just watched "up in the air" starring george clooney..good movie..but depressing..i thought it was gonna have a happy ending, but it didnt..i suggest you guys watch it.

uhm..yeah..that's it..i have some more to say..but dont feel like typing it..my hands arent as "flowy" as they usually are when i type..u know what i mean? when like the keyboard feels solid as hell? anyways, im out.

pieces.

Shut up and work.

I'm tired of living here. I'm tired of the heat and humidity. I'm tired of the smog that enters my lungs wherever I go. I'm tired not understanding what ppl are saying in kapampangan. I'm tired of the maturity level my classmates display. I'm tired of dumbing down my maturity level for them so i won't be ostracized.

It's hard being away from home. It's hard being in a different country. It's hard adjusting my behavior for these damn ppl, coz they take things so fckn personal. It's hard being here when I know I could be home if I just listened.

It's frustrating putting up with the ppl here coz they don't share the same culture as me. It's frustrating being here without my roots.

This is my cocoon.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Me day.

today was just a 'me' day. after clinicals, i got dressed up, went to the mall, bought myself a 16 gig usb for my music, treated myself to some sbarro's (a deep dish philly cheese steak pizza, chocolate calzone, and washed it down with a nice bottle of h2o), and bought myself two movies..ahh..it's good to be me..i needed this break.

ever since i got back from the states, ive been hustlin..and this little breather makes me feel recharged somewhat.  i think every last fri of the month will be a day i just throw out all the self-discipline and just relax..hmm..yeah..that sounds good...actually..it sounds awesome..like me.

this is my musical attack

hmm..im blogging..coz i need a break from studying..my past blogs seem half-assed to me..so im gonna try to make this one super duper awesome..like me.

Mr. Auerbach said that, “Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”

which is true. but music is such a double edged sword..like it sets moods right? but sometimes it sets moods that arent true..like it sets false moods..like for example..when i would listen to "the background" by 3rd eye blind..i would think of "her"...coz the song talks about how this guy lost his partner coz she died..haha..i know i dont relate to it, but..blah..ill just put in a segment that i can relate to..haha.

Everything is quiet since youre not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background
I do the things we did before..

The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Im in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat

I felt you long after we were through, we were through

so yeah..ill post a link to the song later on..but as you can see..that can totally make u miss someone even more..but is it a true feeling? or is it just coz the song is making you feel that way.

now, if i listen to another song by the same band called "motorcycle drive by" my mood changes..it makes me not miss that person..and makes me wanna move on...so yeah..here some snippets that i can identify with

When I came to visit you
That's when I knew I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive...

And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen ..


And this is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am..

 I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

as you may notice, those lyrics would make anyone wanna move on..and the last segment was in a previous entry..so yeah..

so what's the point of this entry? i dk..i just wanted to talk about how music can influence a person a lot..despite it all...music is my sweetest drug.

The background
Motorcycle drive by

Phone blogging

I've never been really proud of any accomplishments I've made in my life. Like h.s. graduation. I mean graduating from nursing school next year doesn't even sound something I shud be excited about. I dk.

I think the only time I will really be proud of myself is when I get that md degree. I know it's far off, but like I'm just so stoked about it. I'm stoked for the sleepless nights I'll have to go thru, the endless analysis of clinical situations, the struggle of grasping concepts I'm not familar with, and the continuous learning that occurs even after graduating med school.

Coz this is what I want to do. I believe everything I've done my whole life, the ppl I've met, the struggles, the pain, the good times, and bad times have led me to this moment.

The following is my analysis:

Everything happens for a reason. The break up in 2006 made me feel alone. It made me feel weak and I ended up stronger at the end. It made me strong so that I could go to the Philippines and study without being distracted by missing home. Breaking up with my most recent ex gf- to teach me and give me the courage to do things that are necessary- to remind myself why I'm here. To get one thing done. To get my degrees. And for me to reconnect with asil, so that when I come back to the Philippines, no girl will distract me from school, coz my stubborn self will always hope for her and not anyone else. For the the random night of talking with her and never talking again--it motivates me to go all the way and finish med school. To show herand other ppl....I AM more.

But yeah. Haha. That's just my thinking. I could care less if you agree with me or not. P's out.

Awesome guy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

read me.

i think ive mastered the art of balance.  the balance of business and pleasure. 

i dk how to begin this, so it's gonna be a sloppy beginning..so yeah..ive balanced it.  i get a full 8 hours of sleep a night, i work out 4x a week, get all my studies done, and once in awhile kick it with some friends...all this without getting sick.  coz u know, when u get stressed out from school and other shit, your immune system drops..i dont really wanna expand on why coz im already tired typing..haha..so yeah. i havent gotten sick *knock on wood*..i take my multivitamin and stuff and 1gm of vit c at night, so i guess that helps too.

i dk what this entry was tryin to get at..i guess it's just another one of those 'my lip bled' entries..hahahaha..good times.

p.s. tag the box and remind me to paste my to-do list from my xanga..i keep forgetting..coz im not an elephant..coz elephants dont 4get..fun fact.

We gotta

Have an entry where I'm on the throne dropping the kid off at school. So yeah. Here is one. Haha.

Dang this one is a tough one. I'm pushin hard right now. Oh wait, somethins peekin....ohhhhh..there ya go! Bomb deployed.

Twas a good shit.

Awesome guy.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:On the toilet

One fell swoop

I'm writing this in class.

I've had no appetite lately. My studies are taking over every single decision I make. Like if I'm hungry and I have sone studying to do, I just ignore the feeling. And I'm really trying to save money to go home. I just wanna finish my training here and gtfo.

5 more years bitches. And I'm out of this cocoon.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

there is no happily ever after.

was 2 nights ago a fluke? like..did u really wanna talk to me? or was it the alcohol talking?

coz i swear. i was this close to diving back in again. It was foolish of me to think she mightve wanted more than just a friendly conversation. I dk. We talked for two hours, fired back and forth with each other like we used to. I felt the chemistry again. Maybe she didn't, but I did.

it's a good thing i tested the waters with her. i dk what she feels..i know i shudnt think much of it..she was under the influence and she wanted to talk. was it the alki? or did she genuinely wanna talk to me? im thinking it was the alki. i think 2 nights ago was just nothing but drunk talk from her. haha.

wanna know somethin pathetic? the next day i was hoping we would talk after her little fraternity rush thingamajigger. i was really hoping. i looked through my inbox every like 5 min. just to see if she replied..hahaha..im not even sad..i just feel so pathetic. i feel pathetic for thinking..no, fuck that..hoping that we would be able to talk that night..but there's more...that was only yesterday where i checked my inbox like a madman...i even thought tonight [fccuk..2 days of stupid hoping] we would be able to talk..hahaha..we shot messages back and forth for awhile..but she had some 21 and up activities to attend to. stupid me. i shuda realized she's in college..away from home..21..with a great affinity to having fun all the time. why didnt i realize that?

i almost feel sad. but i feel more pathetic. im laughing at myself as i type this. 2 nights ago was like a controlled explosion..that took off some of the stone that got built around my so-called heart. but today..the layer that was blown off just grew even thicker.

ever since i met her..shit..even until today, she was the only one that could take off the layers of cement, stone, walls..whatever u wanna call it..around my heart...she was the only one that could change my mind in a hot second about the way i felt...like..if i said i was over her..and then if she messaged me 5 min later..i would be on her like white on rice... but as of this moment...she's nothing special anymore...she doesnt hold that power over me anymore..she's nothing but another girl to me.

i used to think she was the greatest person id ever met...that nothing could ever match up with her...that no girl i would meet, date, etc would ever reach her status..but now..when i think of her..it's just.."meh..ok..yeah..she's just a girl." it's time to just focus on school...and, i hate to say it, in med school, maybe i will meet a girl as ambitious, driven, random, mean, and as much of control freak as i am. who knows? all i know is that..i bit the bullet..now it's time to just move on. I'm sorry for thinking we couldve been more.

Are we friends? Yeah, we're friends, asil. :)

[and some of u haters out there can i say "ohh..youve had so many entries about moving on..when will you actually move on?" true..ive had a lot of entries about it..but this feeling is different..it's hard to explain..but im finally done. just take my word for it.]

Lmao

I'm so stupid. I can't believe I fell for it again.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

blah.

youre such a bittersweet symphony.

S'il vous plaît. Attends-moi.

still strong

longest day of my life. im not used to having sat. off.  and that means more idle time and studying time.it's the idle time i fear the most. coz that's when the unwanted thoughts come out from hibernation. i try to put them back to sleep by studying, but i pretty much know my shit, and when i over study i tend to get a migraine.

so now, i just gotta deal with the idle time.  tryin to keep them in the box as long as i can. 

youre ever so inviting.  i dk what to think.  even though i know we cant be together anymore..youre always that little background music playing in my head..even in my sleep i hear and feel you. i dont know why i cant escape you. i mean..dont get me wrong ppl..it's not distracting to my studies at all..coz i know when to shut that part of my mind down when im studying.  i have no clue why i cant just let go of you..its been 4 FCKN YEARS...hahaha..it's funny/pathetic. i dk what it is about you that a part of me wont let go of. even until now..i think about the things we did before. the plans i made still have you in them..coz you always seem to show up in my head..blah..your voice is music to my ears.

.

ironically resilient and industrious

There are more serious problems in life than financial ones, and I've had a lot of those. I've been broke before, and will be again. Heartbroke? That's serious. Lose a few bucks? That's not. - Willie Nelson

We as humans are very resilient and industrious.  If you look back on how far we've come in terms of technology, medicine, and just thinking, in general, we've come a long way.  We have vaccines for things that killed of many people in the past, we have psychologists that can analyze your thinking, and we have machines that can send us to space.  Unfortunately, we havent been able to come up with some kind of antidote for heart-break.  One of the most fundamental feelings all humans share.  I dont care if youre some kind of hard-knock gangster, some low life punk, or cold person in general.  We've all experienced heart break at some point in our life.

It's funny, the very thing that keeps the blood flowing in your body is also our greatest source of pain.  Yes, i know that the anatomical heart has nothing to do with it, but you do it feel it in your chest, not your head.  For the sake of avoiding an argument, just humor me.

There's a quote i used for one of my reports on stroke at school and it's:  "The brain gives the heart its sight. The heart gives the brain its vision." (Kall)  Im not gonna explain the quote on here, coz that's just gonna take too much time.  Just use that brain of yours and think about it.

I think most of us will agree that we would rather have physical pain, such as having a fever, flu, or other illnesses, than the grief of heart break.  We all know that fevers, flus, etc, can be controlled with medication, but the stress and grief produced by heartbreak can almost make you feel like your body is breaking, like your heart is being pulled out of your chest, and being thrown in the ocean.  and sadly, there's no cure for that.  Wait, actually there is. and that is time.  as much as i hate to say it, time does heal everything.  but if you can relate to what ive said so far, you know time can only put you back together so much.  you either grow to be stronger and wiser, or just cold and indifferent. in some cases, both.

so, what's the source of this heart break i speak of?  okay, well im 22 years old, so by using ur clever deductive skills, you can assume im talking about a former significant other.  it's crazy.  when your with that someone, you think to yourself, "how the hell did go through life without knowing this person??"  and when the break up is nearing, you say "psh, i went through life without knowing you before, so i can do it again."  and when it does happen, you never felt alone like that in your whole life.  the morning calls/texts, the night calls, the wknds where you would just lay there and watch a movie are all part of the past.  a song by one of my all time favorite bands, 3rd eye blind, summed it up pretty well, "and i never felt alone, till i met you...i was alright on my own, till i met you."

its amazing how some songs can relate to you in situations such as this one.  I remember, all i listened to during my break up in 2006 was "daphne loves derby" and "dashboard confessional."  it's a bittersweet feeling because, you realize that youre not the only who has experienced these things, but you also realize how pathetic and miserable you really are.

so anyways, yeah, heart break.  it's healed by time.  but time, like i said time can only put a small bandage over a severe laceration.  ill use myself as an example.  this past dec, [i know some of you know this story, but IF there are any new readers out there, id like to orient them] i met up with my ex girlfriend.  we broke up in 2006 and she was my very first love, and my very first heartbreak.  i was devastated after the break up.  up until that dec date, we hadnt seen each other in 4 years.  and when i saw her on that cold tuesday night, i felt whole again.  i felt like the 4 years of not seeing her hadnt occurred at all.  i felt the connection again....BUT long story short, things didnt work out in the end.  and i was back to square one.  i know there are some contenders out there thatll say, "oh dont worry about it.  there are many other girls.  youll meet girls when u go to med school that are just as ambitious as you..smart, sexy, funny, etc."  yeah..thanks guys..sure. who wouldnt wanna girl like that?  my dream girl would be exactly like that, but as paul from 500 days of summer would say [slightly modified], "this girl is better than the girl of my dreams... She's real."

and now here i am. im still putting myself back together, because there is no antidote. because i am resilient. because through struggle, strength is born.

maybe the reason why there is no antidote for heart break is because we as humans SHOULDNT have one.  as a human being, we must learn to deal with the agonizing pain, grief, and struggle that comes along with it.  we must learn to strive and keep moving forward.  because we are resilient.

will we ever get over that one person? who knows.  im almost there, but who's to say that in 10 years i wont fall for her again.  and if i do and things dont work out, what will i do then?  ill do what i have to do. strive. because i am resilient.

ill end this entry with snippet of one of my favorite songs by third eye blind..again. [stephen jenkins is a genius]

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

It's none of my business

But, I would trade spots with you. Now I may not know the whole story and what not, but this is my blog and my own personal opinion.

As some of you may have noticed a majority of my January entries have been mostly about heart break and a certain girl. So there's this friend of mine that's in a similar situation, but the cath is, they're still living in the same fcukin country..no wait, fuck that..same city. Long story short, they're broken up but they still love each other. So here goes:

The things I would do to have that chance to live in the same city with her are immeasurable. Why don't u guys just ride it out. I would milk every second I have with her, even if it's just a superficial conversation. You guys both love each other. Yes I know, things aren't certain right now, but no relationship ever grew out of certainty. So in my opinion, take that plunge. And if and when he leaves the country, at least you know you didn't waste the time u had with him while he was still walking on the same pavement as you.

Awesome guy

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:J. Surla St,,Philippines

snapola

fcuuuk...ive been hella busy..just found enough time to blog right now..my ncm class just turned up the heat and shit..so i had to step up my game more to be one step ahead of it.

anyways..im tired..time to study..pieces world.

Chill weekend

Pretty chill weekend. Watched a movie with the cuzzo and ate steak.

Today was chill too. Went to mass, ran some errands, studies and watched Sherlock. Haha.

So I've been getting complemented by quite a few ppl about how well I write. So I'm pretty flattered. A friend of mine actually used a snippet of an entry as her status update on facebook. This brings me to my next topic.....I only write really well when i'm heart broken. That's what I've noticed, coz when I'm not hurting, I just write random entries like this one and other ones you've prly read. Haha.

Anyways, I'm sleepy. I think "legion" comes out this Friday. So my cuz and I are prly gonna have another man-date. Pieces.

Awesome guy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so it begins.

after a couple weeks of being back..everything is back to normal. she has exited my mind for the time being.  now it's just time to focus on my career.  it's a bittersweet feeling..i feel as if im finally free from her, but at the same im betraying her by forgetting about her..mixed feelings is all.

bitter, coz i dont wanna forget about her, i feel like if i forget about her, she'll forget about me..bitter coz i dont want her to think i dont love her anymore. 

but,

sweet, coz i can finally get back to my main goal without attachments, heartache, distractions, and longing.

Bittersweet
You're gonna be the death of me
I don't want you, but I need you
I love you and hate you at the very same time
Bittersweet

empyt

tired as fudge. my head hurts..i pulled an effin blitzkrieg on my ncm class..ive been hitting it hard since monday..im gonna ace this test..no doubt.

anyways..i cant type anymore

tomorrow..my cuzzo and i are gonna enjoy some steak with rice, water spinach, and watch batman begins..ahh..the simple pleasures in life.

you hear that?

no..come closer..closer..if you listen closely, youll be able to hear a bit of my soul:



good evening..this is miguel's soul speaking.  i will speak on his behalf.

if there's one thing you noticed about miguel the past two weeks. he's been an asshole to some people.  and he doesnt regret it, but he does acknowledge it.  his mind is focused only one thing and that's to finish school.

yes, yes..he walks like one of you, does the same work load as all of you..sometimes he even tries to speak like you, but please make no mistake, he is not one of you.  he only came to the philippines with one thing in mind. and that was to pull himself out of the hole he dug for himself.  to make a life for himself.  anyone he met along the way was nothing, but part of the territory.  miguel is too mild mannered to admit this, but when nursing is over, he wont remember some of you guys.

please, dont act surprised.  dont tell me you didnt notice how he gave you all the cold shoulder when he went back to the states.  he barely even went on facebook to reply to your messages.  after nursing, he's gonna close that chapter of his life and move on to the next chapter of med school..there he will meet ppl and again, walk beside them, but not with them.  his ultimate goal is to finish and come back to his family's arms, successful, independent, and strong.
 

until next time.

Bored and burnt out

Just chillin at the hospital right ..no cases. Listening to angels and airwaves right now. I've been hooked on this album since it came out in 2006.

Anyways, I don't think I can look at my handouts anymore. I've been hitting em hat or the past 3 days and it's come to the point that when I look at em, a h/a automatically hits me. So yeah, I'm takin a break from that for awhile. Anyways, I'm just gonna take a nap on the desk now.

Pieces

Awesome guy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i can resist everything except temptation

tempted to go on facebook and check her profile..so now im writing here..

gaaah..my stomach hurts..i dk if it was the fish i ate from the stand or the siomai..i hope i dont get mad diarrhea.

so do u guys like my new signature? pretty sick right? yeah..took me awhile to figure out how to do it..google is pretty helpful.

but yeah..today we had a case involving an amputation..the woman was a diabetic and had gangrene on her foot..her toes were all black and shit..pretty smelly too i might add..so yeah, they had to amputate..they used a bone saw..and just sawed it like a tree..haha..anyways..

im goin shoppin on appulo right now for some new apps..i love my iphone..i jail broke it myself..coz im a hacker like that. what up...the iphone is so useful..i use it for my drug studies, references for a&p, s/sx of diseases, email, facebook, texting, and calling..it does everything..

sleepy. peace.

test run

for new signature.

Operating room

So I'm in the OR right now. Chillin. We got a case. It's a "below knee amputation" anyways, gotta scrub in bitchez. Out.

Awesome guy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

hungry..again

i just ate lunch. it was just water spinach and rice with teriyaki sauce.  im on a budget right now. i really wanna go home this march or april or may..shiiiiet..iono..hhahaha..[that sounded really ghetto]. and im tryin to cut the weight i gained during winter break.  so yeah.

im tempted to go on facebook and do stupid stuff, so now im blogging..and it helps..i have to leave for clinicals soon too.  man, my stomach is growling..but whatever.  i can handle it. i dont really know what else to write about.

ohh yeah, i finished the 1st percy jackson book..it was pretty cool..kinda kiddish, but cool.  i started the second book yesternight.  so we'll see how that one is.  anyways, im out.

awesome guy.

Big mac with cheese

Fudge! I'm so effin hungry right now. I wanna go on a food run to mcds, but I know that stuff ain't healthy, especially this late at night. Ahhhhhhhh.

Anyways, I've been hitting my ncm class hard lately. Mainly coz the current topics are a little tricky. We're doin communicable diseases right now. There's a whole lot of info. But yeah.

I have a pimple on my chin and it hurts...ouch Charlie! Anyways, got clinicals tomorrow, pm shift again...what a burnout. I'm out tho.

Awesome guy.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

your biggest fan.

99%...no, that is not one of my grades.

Almost there.

Looking at the girl's facebook profile just makes me move on even faster, w/c is a good thing.

Seeing her having fun over there, meeting new ppl, and going to parties make me feel pathetic that I was wrapped around her finger all this time. And most of all encourages me to move on even more.  Makes me feel pathetic that I put myself thru all that shit in the late part of dec and early Jan.

Seeing her enjoyment makes me want to be able to move on quick like that.

and please ppl..if ur reading this and ur thinking "uh oh..now he's gonna get discouraged from med school..my gosh..he gets so distracted with this girl" just stop reading already..coz 1st off, no..im not discouraged at all to go to AND finish med school, 2nd off..look at number 1.

so yeah..anyways, im like in purgatory right now..like between happiness and sadness..coz im somewhat apathetic right now to the things around me.. the only thing i care about are my grades and myself..the past week and half, ive been a hermit..not knowing what to feel..it feels like my apathy is my motivation to do well..coz it feels like my intellect is all i have now..i feel like itll get me places, fuck that..i KNOW itll get me places.that itll transform me into something more..something better..and that when im finished..all the ppl that i met along the way, all the ppl that doubted me, and all the ppl that have hurt me in my past will notice what ive become and regret their actions.

dont get me wrong..that's not my motivation..i guess it just comes with the territory.

ive changed things..forever.

oh yeah..another song im feelin..haha.. check it out.

NeverShoutNever- biggest fan

Your Biggest Fan

I'm a real big fan of yours
But I'm quite the joke to you
But girl it wasn't a joke when you
Kissed me in your room and replied
"I love you too"

I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn

sha da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

And I get to the point where
All I wanted for for us to make up
But its not that easy
Cause girl you move on so quickly
Keeping a boy like me at the edge of his seat

And I know everything you do
Is all about your perfect image
Well I hope this song
It helps your image

sha da da da da da da da da da da
da da da
I'm so over you now

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

And I was one who thought I was strong
Well you proved me wrong
Now I'm singing along every song
On the radio i dont wanna go
Come on baby tell me
Something I wanna know
Now wanna see what is on my mind
Because slack of motivation is
taking over my time and I'm sick of trying

All together now!

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

yep. see you then.

gaaah..she's come back to bite me in the ass again..just when i thought she was done circling the block, she's back. blaah..i dk. i just need to build higher walls now...no more checking in on stuff and shit..anyways

i was looking at my old xanga blog..ive had since high school..and in it was the blog i did in 2006 after i got dumped..i copied and pasted it onto word..and it's 25 pages long! that's crazy..that's in 12 size font.  but yeah..and i read random entries..and it just made me feel stronger and shit like that..ohhh and i found my to do list.

i had like a "to do list" on there..when i have time..im just copy and paste it onto this blog..so i can continue the list..haha..anyways, gotta study..prly blog later tonight.

pieces.

Koolioness for mobile blogging. It's so convenient. I can't get over it. haha.

So yeah, i was thinking about changing the song on my blog, but not anymore. I think i'm gonna keep that "house m.d." theme going..coz he's also one of my reasons for becoming a doctor...but that's another story.

I used to change the songs on my blog maybe every 3-4 days.. Each time with a purpose.. Like to spread a song, remind someone of memories we had, an all that other bullshit. But now, I just don't care anymore.

Hmm.. What else? Oh yeah, I'm gonna apply tomorrow for the med school entrance exam..so that's exciting I guess. Haha. I'm dunzo tho. Sleeeeepyyy.

Your truly,

Awesome guy


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

organized thoughts

man..what a day..im so tired..just got done studying and all that..and i get tomorrow off..so that's good. i love my schedule..mon-tues lecture..wed off..thurs-sat clinicals..sun. off.  i like the random break on wed..helps keep my mind from burning out.

anyways, i got my ncm grade..ncm is basically an 8 unit class..coz clinicals are tied in with it..uhmm..what else, ncm is where they basically teach you all the nursing stuff u need to know..no b.s. info..so yeah..i got 96 bitches..that's crazy..

oh wait, before i proceed, i have to drop some info..i dont like mentioning this to anyone..in fact only a few ppl know, but i earned a scholarship 2 years ago..so i basically get 40% off my tuition coz i have an overall avg of 92%..w/c leads me to my next thought.

so yeah..96 in ncm and another 96 in my other class..i have yet to know what my last class' grade is..so yeah..my thinking is, maybe...MAYBE i could reach that 95% avg..and that means i get 50% off..that would be sick..now to my next thought

in order to reach that average, i would have to be a hermit...and now i dont mind being one..coz ive just been hooked on books when im not doin shit anyways..like i said in an earlier entry, i dled the percy jackson books..and right now, im dling all the sherlock holmes books..so i can read it too..the movie was awesome by the way.

uhmm..yeah..i think that's it..oh wait..so yeah, i got some calvin klein underwear from the states, but i havent even worn em here yet..i dk why..it's like when i see em in my drawer, i dont wanna waste em on a school day..i wanna wear em when something worth doing comes along..like going on a date or something..or grilling some steaks..hahaha..


siiiigghh....im so awesome.

Class entry

I'm at school right now. Using the 3g network..uhh son! Haha.

I'm on a break right now, just chillin in the classroom. I don't really have much to say. Oh wait, this morning when I was getting ready to brew some coffee, I saw a cockroach inside the fckn pitcher thingy...so nasty. Ugh.. Whatevs tho.

Here's a random pic. It's my wallpaper on my phone. Haha.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Chillin

At the amurao inn.. Somethin somethin..

I'm like so lazy to blog right now, which I guess is a good thing, coz like I said I only blog a lot if I'm stressed out.

So yeah, hmm..my friend came over today to get the shit my mom got her from the states. She was grateful as always. She told me how she has a crush for one my friends.. And surprisingly I didn't get all jealous and what not..[ohh yeah..I didn't mention this on my blog, but I used to like the said girl a lot]..I guess I just don't care anymore or Im just still not 100% done with "her." either way I didn't care about her telling me her crushes...uh yeah..that's it. Not much too it.. I mean it's pretty significant to me coz at an earlier time I wouldve gotten all worked up about it..so yeah.. Pointless story, but whatever.

I'm sleepy now.

Pieces, world.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

today

was a pretty chill day. i got an hour early for my first class..and 1.5 hours early from my last class..so i was able to get my workout in..and write this blog..im gonna study in like 10 min. i just wanna chillax for awhile.

so yeah..i feel pretty relaxed overall..now that i cleared up that whole blogging issue, i dont have to pretty picky about what i write down. so yeah..i got my grade from one of my classes..it's a 97..uhhh bitches! dont really care about it tho..coz i mean..what else would i do here in the pi, besides study? so it's expected.

DUUUUUDE!!! do guys have the latest john mayer drop? in my opinion, it's his greatest album..i mean..i guess coz i can relate to each fckn song..i mean we all can relate to songs, but i relate to this whole album..even the album title, "battle studies". i suggest you guys cop the album asap. im gonna be a lame blogger and put the lyrics down and a link to the song..coz i wanna share it..coz it's an awesome song...shiiiiiit..im an awesome guy.

oooh yeah...forgot to mention this, [youll enjoy this, if youre still reading my blog]..so for our drinking water..it's a 5 gallon jug thingy..and yeah..so when my cousin was getting water, two..[are you ready?]...2 cockroaches came out of the little dispenser and into his glass!!

but yah..i wasnt really grossed out[ but i know you would be, coz you still couldnt get over the fact that cockroaches exist in my house..haha]. so anyways, im gonna cut it here...gotta get crackin on my studies..here are the lyrics and the vid


john mayer- war of my life

Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run away

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Than nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never liked to label

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

i hope this is clear as glass

i have two issues to talk about today. one to clear up and another to clarify.

1) ive been taking some heat from some ppl thinking that im still broken over what happened back in the states. okay, so. im only human. it's only normal for me to feel the way i do.

yes, i know that i shouldnt be "throwing away my dignity and self respect" over this girl, but this girl was worth it all. you'll never truly understand the way i feel until youve lived a day in my shoes. and fine, say she wasnt worth it, it still doesnt help change the way i feel.

Now, to the main thing you guys wanna hear. yes, im still a little bruised up from it, but i am putting myself back together. im stronger, wiser, colder and that much more determined to finish med school. i will complete this task.

DONT THINK OTHERWISE, DONT EVER SPECULATE, AND NEVER EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF DOUBTING ME.

2)this blog is mine, and if you dont like what i have to say, you can stop reading it. i only asked you to promote it. i never forced you to read it. so that being said, there's the door.

cloudy day

im focused, but not feelin it.

i thought i was finished with you. dont you know the rules? no loitering on property..i.e. my head.

blah..ill just live journal this entry.

pieces.

Idle hands

Writing right now to keep my hands busy. I wanna contact her, but I know it's the wrong decision. I'm glad I'm sleepy, otherwise I'd think more about it and end up calling her.

Thank goodness for school.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

i wrote a whole entry on paper, but im deciding not to publish it..maybe another time.

im sleepy. i wish time would move faster. so i can finish school faster..gaaah.

Pm entry

So I find myself writing more in my bed, now that I have this option of doing so. Haha.

I'm so stoked to publish this thing when I'm done with school. Hmm.. 5 years, at the most? I wonder how many entries I'll have by then. I'll try to calculate one day. Maybe tomorrow. Haha.

Anyways, I just got a copy of all the Percy Jackson books..u know that lightning thief movie comin out? And so far, it's pretty good. I wanna finish the series before the movie comes out.
There's 4 books.

Blaahhh...need some shut eye.

Pieces.

P.s. Th drawing below was done by one of my classmates. It's like a drawing of our section/group. It's pretty sick. Find me.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:J. Surla St,Angeles City,Philippines

It's pretty hot out today. I'm just here at the hospital again.

Not a busy day, so we just played charades. Haha. That shit is always fun.

Anyways, I've been thinking about starting a video log or something. But not really sure yet. Coz I dk how to edit and shit like that. I remember I made this one vid for my fam bam and it took forever to do. It was only a 3 min video too.

Anyways, Another reason pm shft sucks is coz there's hardly any patients needing emergency surgery. Most are elective, which mostly happens in the mornings.

But yeah. I'll cut it here. Blog later.

Pieces.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

chaos.

so ive been been hooked on this song by k-os. some canadian musician..and i thought i would share it..so he could get more famous..w/c is what i suggest you do with my blog..haha..ill put the lyrics at the end of this entry tho.

anyways, i got clinicals today..and i WAS supposed to hit the gym, but i got too much to study for. so im just gonna write a quick entry then get crackin.

so the song is called "i wish i knew natalie portman." i dont know why though..but you guys prly already know why i put the lyrics on here. coz........................i can relate to them. haha..why else would anyone put a song up? anyways here's the link..and lyrics are below

there's one part that doesnt apply to me though, which is.. "ive been takin apart microphones..youve been takin apart men youve blown"..haha..just dont ppl to think im an emcee. haha.

i wish i knew why

here are the lyrics:

[Intro]
I'm on the run, for my life
It's seems that everything that you said was right
Has come undone, lost my sight
But have you ever thought you've done your best
When you were under the gun, that's right
I know I've seen this place before, but it's never been so fun
Never been so fun

[Chorus]
I've been on the run
This Shadow weighs a ton
It's starting to make sense to me
I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

I've been on the run
Shadow weighs a ton
I know I found a recipe, for me
But I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

[Verse 1 - Saukrates]
You know I'm haunted on overseas
Haunted on each coast
Play them like ebaneeza
I made them see the ghost
Back from the future dawned in Japanese kimonos
Even though the streets show love to try to see me grow
I often see me floatin, but my shadow it weighs a ton
Call it baggage, I use it all to advantage
But I can't make you love me
This time it's on you
And you can't try to deny, these words when they're true
I'm on the run

[Chorus]
I've been on the run
This Shadow weighs a ton
It's starting to make sense to me
I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

I've been on the run
Shadow weighs a ton
I know I found a recipe, for me
But I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

[Verse 2 - k-os]
Let's gets a steppin
Your tongue is like a weapon
This is cappin from heaven and yet
So are y'es, since the age of seventeen
I've been taking apart microphones
You've been taking apart men you've blown
With glowing skeleton bones
In the closet, animals strike curious poses
They feel the heat between us
But you needs a woman's glorious diamonds and fetus
Carry my penis, I'm like the man in the moon, we kissed see you soon
On the run

[Chorus]
I've been on the run
This Shadow weighs a ton
It's starting to make sense to me
I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

I've been on the run
Shadow weighs a ton
I know I found a recipe, for me
But I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

pm-izzle.

blaah..im tired..

i just got back from clinicals..pm shift sucks balls..big hairy balls. i mean, i was tellin one of my friends how awesome pm shift is, coz we get to wake up all late and shit. but fccuk, when u get home youre just burnt the eff out. at least that's how i feel.

i dont really like generalizing..as some of you may have noticed..i always say "at least that's how i...." i dk..coz i dont want ppl to think that i speak for the majority..like i can see them sayin, "pshh..well, i dont feel like that." but yeah..anyways.

today was pretty good..my stomach hurts from laughing..coz like..while we were waiting for a patient to hit the OR, we were talking about how each of us would look while having an orgasm..and im sure you guys have seen the andy samberg vid, "jizz in my pants." so yeah, i kept making that andy samberg face, where he bites his lower lip and opens his eyes hella wide..blah..ill just put a link to the video later..im not gonna spend a whole entry explaining it.

but yeah..my eyelids are gettin pretty heavy..so i think im gonna cut it here...

here's the link to the "jizz in my pants" vid

jizz in my pants

Clinicals

Yay for 3g service right now.

I'm just chilling here at the hospital waiting for a case.

Gah. I hate night shift. Sucks big balls. Anyways, I found an option thingy in this blogger, where I can turn it into a book. It only costs 20 bucks.

I wonder how many entries I'll have by the time I graduate med school..and how many pages it would be. I think you can put a dedication in it too. So spread the blog. And I'll mention you in the dedication.

Finally got a patient. Hakunamatata bitches.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

for her.

im sorry. i know, no matter how many times i apologize, it wont justify nor take back what i did. actually, nothing could ever justify what i did, even if it did get me close to you, but like you said, it was in a bad way. im sorry it altered every aspect of your being and the relationships you pursued. I am sorry.

yes, it wasnt fair for you to cut things off the way you did. you couldve told me all that on the phone when i called you before leaving for the airport. i understand you had to do what you did for yourself, but you couldve just given me that explanation thru a facebook message. i dk why it took you awhile to respond to me.

and yes..you did put yourself out there..i just didnt realize it coz of all the mixed signals i was getting..so im sorry for assuming otherwise.

and yes, ill be leaving for 5 years, but i told you i would be coming back every so often.

i think i told you in march/april/may 2010, id be going back to the states for a whole month...then go back to pi in june.. i mean that's only 3-4 months from now.

this is gonna get confusing, so just stay with me

- back to the states in dec 2010-jan2011 for xmas break...

-go back to the pi in jan 2011 to graduate in march.

-then back to the states again in march 2011-sept 2011 after i graduate nursing and stay in cali till med school starts in sept. 2011.--6 whole months of break.

-back to the pi in sept 2011 to start med school

-even then, id be going back in dec 2011-jan2012..a whole month this time of break, not just two weeks..so that's what, 3 months apart?

-go back to the pi around late january 2012 for 2nd sem

-then going back to the states again in june 2012-sept 2012 till.. 3 WHOLE months for summer break.

-then the cycle starts again

id be back more often and have a longer stay...then my breaks would continue like that until i graduate med school, coz they follow US curriculum...at the most, we wouldve only been apart for 5 months..during the january-june segment..not 5 years..gaah.

fcuuuk.. i had it all planned out..i wanted it to work..i was willing to make time to keep you, god damnit!..sigh

but, there's no point in explaining [even if i just did..haha] or trying to convince. youve made your decision and in turn i have made mine.

once again, i am sorry. and please know that i truly mean it.

take care of yourself.

I'm really diggin this blog thingy for iPhone. I mean if you guys read my past entries, I think I complained about forgetting about what I was gonna write about coz I always forget when I finally get on the computer. But with this blog thing, I can blog anytime I want. Haha.

Anyways, I'm layin in bed again. Got clinicals tomorrow. So yeah.

My sister just told me that my rents are on a tight budget, but if I can save 30,000 pesos by April, I can go back to the states for one month, or however long our summer break is. 30 racks is what 650 usds? And a ticket is say 1000 at the most this time of the year. So I guess I just gotta tighten my belt. No more eating and out and shit.

Gaaah.. That would be so sick to go back in 3 months. I get to have my 23rd bday back home. And prly get to see one of my best friend's graduate.

I'm like really determined to save money now. Coz my sister graduates this year too, so i don't wanna miss out on that either. Hmm...I dk if I shud start a countdown on facebook or not.. It's only been like 48 hours since I got here and I'm already ready to go back..

*the following is a true story*

So I'm working at gnc..and I'm like bored as he'll studying my anatomy book, when a elderly black dude walks in and asks for some vitamins. I kindly oblige and ring him up afterwards. For the sake of a name, I'll name him Alonzo. So, Alonzo sees my anatomy book and asks what my major is, I reply nursing. And then out of nowhere he says, and I'll never forget this: "so many nurses nowadays. You wanna know what I think? I think more ppl should become physicians. Not too many good docs out there. If you think about it, those 4 years will pass by anyways, so why not make it productive?"

Then he left. And I never saw that dude again. Mind you, most customers at gnc are regulars.





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

dunzo

*psh..yeah..it would rain*

listening to 'win' again..i think im blogging about 3x a day now...i mean at least on this one..i have a private one, where the nitty gritty shit is said..but yeah..that's just for me.

hmm..i guess i shall let the hands move where they please:

**reader discretion is advised**

im done with you. i cant believe i put myself out there for you. i threw away my fckn dignity and self respect chasing you..and im not one to do that often..i thought you were worth it, but you pull this shit of not replying at all..suure, it was only 3 days of waiting, but it felt like 3 effin years...i mean...cmon! why? why didnt u just give me an answer? why did u have to drag it on? i ran to a pay phone right before i boarded the plane and called you..you told me to facebook you..i did..and 2 days no reply...ughhh..you put me thru an emotional blender...i was sitting in my seat on the plane..thoughts going back and forth if you were actually gonna give me a reply to whether u wanted to try or not.

my head felt like exploding..the only medication i had was music..and as always, it delivered.

you know? suure, it's long distance, but if two ppl really loved each other, they would still try right? even if it failed at the end? coz that's what ppl in love do..at least i think that's what they do...i was willing to do anything..i was gonna buy a webcam..and talk to her as much as i could..even if it meant i had no social life...trying then failing is better than not trying at all..am i right? or am i right?

but maybe..in the end, she didnt have the same feelings for me..that's why she didnt wanna try it. ill never know...i mean after 4 whole years of not seeing her, i was willing to put myself out there again..willing to make time to make it work.. and i thought she would want to do the same, but i guess ppl change. and ive accepted that.

im done chasing you, im done trying to be important in your life, im done trying to convince you that no one will ever feel the same way about you as i did, im done trying to find reasons for what happened during the holiday season, im done holding out hope that youll still be mine after i gradute med school, im done with making sure that no one will take my heart like you did, im done with you.

yeaah

just took my make up exam..got 90%. not bad for not studying that hard for it..i mean, i studied a little bit during winter break, but that's not really studying.

hmm...i went over all my fcs..but i still feel like i have to do something..oh wait..i feel like calling her, but i know i shouldnt for my own good...idle hands are the devil's playground..so i just gotta stay occupied..hmm..maybe ill do my drug study....i dk yet..still gotta workout today..that shud relieve some stress.

pieces, world.

recap

jan- my boys from the states came over to the pi and partied it up in mla...lcg came over also..partied it up again..jan was like new years month actually..haha..i just remember almost skipping my microbio lab to go out..haha.

feb-hmm..what happened in feb? not really an eventful month..maybe midterms?

march-skipped out on a birthday..got ragged on it...took finals..2 week break..jeez..i dont remember anything from 2009

april-hit the 22nd mark..im not sure what else happened..summer school maybe? o yeah..nba playoffs

may-summer school..cooking demo for nutrition class..got mono coz i kept eating other ppls food

june- junior year..started duty..got a mad fever this month, so i stayed in and watched anaconda..ahaha.

july-shoot..i dont remember, prelims.

august-mom came to the pi..burned some bridges..and made new ones. mom left at end of month, midterms

sept-finals, bitches

oct.-layed around, worked out, watched movies, brought my cousin out to get drunk

nov.- started my countdown to go back to my roots

dec.- went back to the states, re-opened some wounds,


overall--i dont remember anything form 2009..i was too fcukn busy...hopefully 2010 feels the same.

I kinda regret sending her that letter, but it had to be done. I can't keep putting myself out there for a one sided romance. I have my limits, as an emotional person.

I'm so out of it. I'm writing this while I lay in bed. I dk if it's the past events that transpired or if it's jet lag, coz I feel really shitty right now. I'm sleepy, but not really, I'm sad, but apathetic. I have so much on my plate right now.I still have to talk to a person..I think the one that called me a douche bag on the chat box. Uggghh. so much shit to do.

Being in the states makes me just wanna do my time here and get the eff out. I just wanna be a hermit. Study, gym, and sleep. Coz I really don't feel like interacting with anyone right now.

Sigh.. Maybe it's the jet lag talking. Maybe it isn't. Either way, it's pretty close to the truth.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

toyota

im writing this before i study. im listening to win right now by brian mcknight. i suggest you listen to it..very good song..

i dk what im gonna blog about..i just know that it helps distract me from thinking about stuff i shouldnt be thinking about. i have a prelim tomorrow..one that i was supposed to take in dec, but i went back to my roots..

gaaah..i dk what to write about..ill just stop thinking about what to write and let my hands move where they please.

**reader discretion advised**

i cant stop rewinding the scenes in my mind...just the stares we threw at each other..the eye contact made..the tension between each glance..it was there..i know you could feel it..the time we kissed..and believe me, i didnt do that intentionally..it was like, you know when youre just pushed? like..there was an invisible hand behind my head..and it just pushed my head towards yours..and our lips connected..i cant stop rewinding the scene where i just putting your hair behind your ears, while you just stared at me..it was heaven for those 4 hours we spent with each other...4 hours i will never understand nor try to.

now it's back to the struggle..doesnt love make ppl wanna do crazy things? i mean..it made me put myself out there for her..but she didnt do the same...and by no means am i saying she should..but i thought a little effort would be cool to see..ohhh..wait..im not bitter if any of you guys are wondering..im 22 now..im too fckn old to get mad at love..[age is relative, haters]..i guess im just reaaaalllly heart broken..but at the same time, i cant get mad at myself for trying.

maybe i deserved what i got? karma? only God knows why.

but whatever..the world doesnt stop for anyone, so i just gotta keep moving.

what im trying to figure out is why things changed so quick..for about 3 days..we were all googley-eyed over each other, [at least i think we were..haha], then BOOM! it's like those 3 days never existed..ill never get an explanation for it..and im done trying to find one..

like tupac said..sometimes you gotta just stop tryin analyze every piece and just move on.

So, the process has begun.

Yaaay. Another entry in less than 30 min.

I'm laying in bed and the familiar scent of my blankets, pillows, and room enfold me.

Makes me miss home even more.
- if you're reading this, hit the chat box. So I at least know this is still your radio-


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

soo many entries at one time

as some of you may have noticed..my entries are dropping in at a more frequent rate..that's because im stressed. and i tend to write more during these kinds of times.

im sleepy as hell right now..but i got a preliminary exam and a test tomorrow..but whatever..i dk why im blogging right now...im gonna do a review of the year like lcg did when i have time tho..that was a cool idea..but yeah.

p's out world.

yes, yes, y-e-s. yes.

im kind of a wreck right now. it's bittersweet to be back. in cali, i had so many options at my disposal. i could drive to see you, i could text/call you, and we had the same time zone. now that im here in the pi again, i have none of that, except to call you, w/c doesnt even seem to work.


each step i take on this uneven road makes me stronger, it helps me store a piece of into my subconcious. Every minute that passes while I'm here in the Philippines, a little bit of you fades into my subconcious, where you can be stored for temporary memory loss. And I hate to slowly forget you, but seeing as it is, you've given me no alternative. It hurts to keep you in my mind and heart when it feels like a one sided romance. alas, I'm freeing myself from your bonds now, even if it's only a temporary affair.

my drive to succeed is back up to 90%. i just need more time to mend my re-opened wounds..it's time to get down to business..like a health/life bar in a video game, i see mine refilling after finding some cover.

im pulling myself out of this cliff i jumped off of.

-times moves fast, but im moving faster.-

-stay focused Miguel. You got this.-


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fin

You seem done with me. So, I am done with you.

Success.. Nothin' else.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

And..

Here we go..!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Gah x10

I wanna leave the states now. I can't stay here any longer. My heart has been aching for 5 days now, ever since that visit to rm.

I'm so torn between what I shud do. I mean, I know what the right decisions. It's just that I don't wanna make that decision. But I'm also incapable of choosing anyways.

I know. It's hard to understand what i'm saying or even going through right now.

Fuuuuuuuuck!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I can't do this anymore. I'm on my knees again. Take this pain away from me, god. Make me cold as ice again. I thought I was done with her. But I guess I'm not. She is my Waterloo, my Achilles heel. It's ironic to find that the person I love is my ulitmate weakness. How can I free myself from your bonds? And do I even wanna be free from you? it's a double edged sword. I don't wanna be free from you, but at the same time, it pains me in trying to keep you. And if I am free from you, it pains me in trying to deal with that fact.


Gaaah. I just need to keep my mind on my career. Best of luck to you.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2010

2010 deserves an entry I guess. New years day of 2010 will be a bitter sweet day. I need to leave for the philippines asap. I need to get out before I get sucked back into you even more.

You're like a fuckin drug.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone