tables turning

so...about 6-7 years ago..i never thought i would be in this position.  this road..this path.  it's crazy how things turn out., you know? 6-7 years ago..i was thinkin about just going to college then finishing up nursing..and just working..but now im on my way to becoming a physician. 

i recently found out about some stuff regarding some ppl close to me..and how they arent doing anything with their lives..w/c is ironic..they went to top school in the US..graduated a year early..and the parents even poured in hella money into the school [coz it's an expensive school] and NOW i find out..theyre not gonna continue with the plans that were made..why am i surprised? ill tell you why..

not too long ago..these ppl were the prize children of some people..they would show-boat them off to other parents..telling everyone how great their kids were and all that..and that they were gonna make it big...long story short..those ppl are eating their words..and i dk if i should feel sorry for them..or just snicker a little bit....well..enough of that.


----------------------


i havent blogged about anything in a long time regarding myself. so hmm..medical school..i keep thinking about it..and i told my mom that..and she told me to blog about it..so here goes:


the envy i feel whenever i see 4th year medical students roaming the halls around hospitals cannot be measured.  when i see them falling asleep while charting on the table..it makes me jealous..it makes me want to get to that level. 


i am ready for medical school..i am ready for the sleepless nights. i dk..i feel like this is my destiny..i may be over-acting about it..but that's how i really feel..it's like..i can
picture myself already doing the stuff docs are supposed to do..call it arrogance..call it over-ambition...call it whatever you want..either way..i feel like im gonna a damn good doc..i know im gonna do well..


hayy..i just hope that my significant other can have enough patience for me while im in medical school..because make no mistake..it is very intense...anyways..i was supposed to blog more, but im tired na..haha.

Stupid me

Looked in the wrong direction.

Awesome guy



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Nada

I dk what I do wrong anymore.

-I'm patient
-I don't yell anymore
-I'm more understanding than I ever was
-I easily forgive now
-I apologize quicker now
-I swallow my pride

What else is there?


Awesome guy


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so this entry is for you. 10-14-1990

yes. you.  you have given me a lot of happiness this past year..and i really wish it continues.  you are a blessing.  your smile puts butterflies in my stomach. and your laugh is as contagious as measles.  and i dont think ill ever get immune from it.

yes you have your mood swings..your mood swings get so bad that sometimes i just wanna swing a hammer on your face. but kidding aside.  despite your mood swings, you make every moment i spend with you..interesting, fun, and memorable.  not a day goes by where i havent smiled or laughed because of the things u say or do.  you are my equal.

we are both strong-willed. we are both stubborn. we are both prideful.  we are both pasaway.

so on this 14th of october, i would like to greet you happy birthday, my pangit baboy.  i have  never met anyone that has pushed me to become a better person..and to always support me when im feeling down.  and i really hope that you continue to support me thru med school and beyond.

and from the bottom of my heart, i would like to say..i love you.

happy birthday.

Hmph. I already miss you, poknot.


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Been awhile

Since I used this phone to blog.

So why am I blogging? Coz I'm really excited to sleep. Haha. Sounds stupid, but yeah. Coz when I got back home from clinicals around 2200 hours, the house was clean, it was nice and dark and all you could here was the pitter-patter of the rain on my roof.

Man, I'm about ready to knock out. So yeah, peace out, world.

Awesome guy


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so it's finally happenin g

so.ive enrolled to medical school..ill be starting in sept. 2011.  its crazy to actually think about it, you know? like 3 years ago..i was just playing around with the idea..then 2 years ago, i started doing research to amuse myself..then 1 year ago..when i started clinicals..that's when i knew..i knew i wanted to become a physician..i wanted to be the one in control of the situation..and u know..while having that drive the past 3 years..it's kinda surreal to see it finally happening..in less than a year for that matter.

and no doubt, im excited as hell..this dream has been on my mind 25/7 366 days a year..i cant stop thinking about it you know?  im excited to see what i become within the next 4 years..and im not trying to be conceited,but i know ill make a damn good doctor..i know i will..i can just feel it..u know..sometimes u get that feeling inside ur stomach about a certain situation?  well i have that about me becoming a physician.

i know im gonna be graduating from a different country..but shit..ppl in the states better not make the mistake of underestimating my abilities.  ive had some haters before, and ive proved them wrong time and time again.  and im willing to do it again to earn my place in the hospital.

and another thing..today..we had to watch a convocation for the new nurses my school pumped out this past year..the ones that passed the boards..and u know..congrats to all of them.. im excited for my fellow classmates. im excited to see them pass the boards..but yeah..anyways, when i saw them u know celebrating..it's like..i couldnt really relate to their joy, while my other classmates could almost identify with the joy the new grads were experiencing.  reason being?  coz im at that point right now..where medical school is not optional anymore..im at the point where..my mind has solidified the fact that med school is after this..so yes..i will be graduating this march, but it's not over..this battle is won, but the war is not over.
ok..so stop here..if you guys find affection or intimacy gross..stop reading...NOW!

along this journey of mine..ive met numerous ppl..some ive hated, others im apathetic to..but one of them..ive learned to love..ive learned to change for the better for this person..and she is my girlfriend..she is from the philippines..and yes we do have some cultural clashes, but we always work on it..

and due to me being fil-am she believes that she'll never be good enough for me..whenever she sees a foreigner or what have you, she starts to feel obsolete...unworthy, not good enough.

but in reality..it's the opposite..this woman has taught me to be patient, to not yell, to be kind without expecting something back..her eyes, her lips, her smile, her laugh, her voice (especially) are more than enough for me..she's perfect the way she is..no foreigner or girl from my past will ever get in the way of that. 

i plan to bring her home with me after med-school..i plan to get all ugly and old with her..call me crazy, but  im in love with her..im in love with jhemari azuro.

and we will work it out..when i go to med school..it will require a lot of patience, but it can be done..and it will be done.

09-01-2011...so it begins.

For Jhemari.

I promise:

(-)

-to never delete our old memories
-to never take away your keys
- to never walk out on a fight
-to never push you to other guys
-to never "break up" with you to solve a fight
-to never take you for granted
-to never hide my feelings
-to never hide any conflicts in my head
-to never prolong a fight
-to never belittle you


(+)

-to love you
-to hold you when it's cold
-to hold your hand when you're scared
-to make things worthwhile when we're together
-to kiss you when your lips need company
-to hug you, when youre feeling down
- to wipe your tears when it's raining on your face
-to have a better temper
-to love you until the day I die.


Yes, readers.  I mean all of that.  I know it's too early to tell, but this girl is something else.  YOU ARE MY SA NODE, AV NODE, PURKINJE FIBERS, AND BUNDLE BRANCH.

Let it be done.

I have to.

Because it's God's will.


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SHART part 1

i kinda delayed this entry.  and it's a pretty important event..maybe i delayed it coz i was too busy, ididnt think much of it, or i was too embarrassed..either way..my moms wanted me to post an entry regarding this situation...so here goes.

before i begin the entry, i would like to introduce a term that is not widely known here in the philippines..it is the term, "SHART". it is a mix of "fart and shit". it is the action of shit coming out of your butt when u fart...so with that being said, let's begin.

so im out on clinicals and i finish up assisting in the OR (not much assisting, just handed the surgeon his instruments) and i feel this like gassy/bubbly feeling in my stomach...i dont really think much of it..so i just fart and stuff like i usually do..and it relieves a little bit of the gas..so i exit the OR and walk out to meet my other classmates..and i start talkin to em while farting silently to relieve the gas..after a few minutes of pointless banter, i take my seat, play "unblock me" on my phone for a few minutes, when SUDDENLY i feel another bubbly in my stomach..being stupid and all, i thought it was regular bubbly feeling, so i stand up to make it look incognito and  i let one out............................THEN THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENS.

i feel like a little air pocket got stuck in between my cheeks after i let it out..so i adjust my butt cheeks accordingly..then i start to feel this jelly-like feeling in alternating between my left and right butt-cheek..so im like.."  OH SHIT!!!"  so im like panicking now..but not showing it..and my classmates ask me, "dude, miguel..are you ok?" im like.."yeah, im good..i just had a good fart..that's all"  and then they say "did u just poop your pants?" and im thinking, maybe it was just water (stupid hoping..water??? cmon miguel!) so im like "no..are you kidding me? of course i didnt." so yeah.  i really needed to check.so .i walk around a corner..and DISGUSTING STUFF WILL NOW BE REVEALED, SO IF U WISH NOT TO CONTINUE, SKIP THE SEGMENT AFTER THIS WARNING AND CONTINUE AFTER THE NUMBER 7

so i stick my finger into my pants..and i start feeling around for a some poop..and lo and behold, my finger hits the jackpot..i feel a gel-like consistency on the bottom portion of my boxer briefs..so i take my finger out and look at it..there's no green smear like i expected..so i take a whiff of it..and it just smells like nothing..so im like. "hmm..maybe it IS just water.." but when i walk it feels like i have flubber in my boxers dancing around in between my ass-crack...so i tell my gf..that im gonna to the bathroom..and she decides to tag along..and by now..im walking like i just dropped the soap in alcatraz...so she asks me "miguel, are you sure, u didnt poop yourself? and with a smile, i say "no..i didnt."


7

so after walking around like i just got raped in the butt, i finally get to the bathroom..i slowly pull down my pants while saying "this cant be happening.."..and then i move on to pulling down the boxers..then!

then part 2 of the shart story shall continue another day..tune in.

Just checkin' in.

Imy and ily panget.


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i have never been more envious

READ IF YOU DARE.  IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, REMEMBER: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. AND BY NO MEANS AM I DEGRADING THE FOLLOWING PROFESSION. LASTLY, WE ARE ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINION. 

I have never felt so jealous in my life.  so i was on clinicals, on my medicine rotation and my pt is pretty complicated...i gotta increase certain IV drips of hers to get her blood pressure back to normal..so yeah..im like checking her blood pressure every 15 min..anyway, the clerk (4th year medical student) comes in the room and asks me, "how's my pateint?" im thinkin.."youre patient? ive been the one handlin this person for the last 4 hours..and i havent even seen ur mug this whole time."  anyways, i drop the 411 on him..and he's like.."ok..get his chart and meet me at the doctor's lounge"..so after getting his chart..i go to the lounge..and i see 2 AC machines, 2 couches, 2 electric fans, and all the clerks and residents just chillin..oh by the way..the temperature outside (where im workin) is about 89 degrees with like 80% humidity..it feels like an effin rain forest..haha..

back to what i was saying..i get inside there..and the air is nice and cold...quiet, and just relaxing..i look for the clerk that told me to meet him there..and i give him the chart....NOW, ...what ive noticed here in the philippines, is ppl will greet you whenever u enter a room..or even look at and nod their head.. but when i stepped into that lounge..the clerks, residents, attendings didnt even shoot a glance towards me..and why?  im not sure, but maybe coz im only a nurse.  but yeah..long story short..the clerk told me decrease the drip rate of certain side drips..and blah and blah..while i was regulating those drips outside in the rain forest, the clerk was just sitting there..enjoying a cool room..and chattin it up with other clerks.

 before i continue, i have to give some background info.  the nurses on duty at hospitals are intimidating sometimes...like..they have this aura about them..which i think is stupid..myself? i dont get really intimidated..why? coz, shit..theyre just a nurse..and doctors, they dont even act bad ass, or dominating when their in the ward with us, so why should the head nurse?it's like they have some power trip from being the "head nurse." anyways..i shall continue. when i was in the lounge, the "big bad head nurse" came in..and that aura of intimidation just disappeared once she entered the lounge..it was like..she was the big fish out in the rain forest, but when she entered the doctors lounge..she became a little gold fish. 

and after i stepped out of that room and saw the nurses in the rain forest..just jotting notes, giving drugs, and what not..i just felt like..my eyes were opened even wider...i just felt obsolete..i just felt like a worker bee..taking orders from ppl..busting my ass for someone who was just chillin in the ACed room..and seeing the nurses just acting all bad ass behind their little station made me pity them...


CALL ME COCKY..CALL ME ARROGANT
but i just cant wait to finish my bsn..and go on to med school..i wanna be the one calling the shots...i wanna be the captain of the plane..not the flight attendant..coz i know..i will make a damn good physician.

and finally.
i have deep respect for nurses and what they do. as i have said before..they are part of the health care team, and doctors wouldnt be able to do what they do without the nurses being around. so, once again, dont think im bashing the nursing profession.  i like nursing.  but let me put into a better perspective.  nursing is like the nissan 370z and a doctor is like a porsche 911 turbo...which are you gonna pick? 
 

it's all part of the plan.

all the mistakes. all the heart breaks. every single event that has happened in my life. lilo incident, the kairos incident, the "only applying to one university" incident coz of a girl, the grad night incident, the break up of 2006, the university of san francisco fall out, the air force incident- all that has led me to the task at hand..to graduate nursing school here. in the philippines.

all those stupid mistakes have me brought me this far.  i never really thought when i was in 5th grade that i would be here in the philippines 12 years later..graduating with a BSN, and moving on to medical school.  i somehow try to connect all the events that happened in my life before 'pines.  like, what if i did get into USF nursing program, would i have been motivated to pursue an M.D. afterwards? or..what if the break up of 2006 didnt occur? would i still be working at GNC and just hanging on to a burnt out romance? there are a lot of possibilities..but only one has remained.

these situations have led me to where i am now.  it has led me to pursuing my medical degree after my BSN.
i didnt get into USF because i believe i was destined for some greater purpose..i prly wouldve just settled as a nurse.  the 2006 break up had to occur..for me to turn cold..for me to become stone cold..to leave my family behind and pursue this career without missing home too much.

i thought all that has led to just my goals regarding my career.  but it has led me to something more.


it has all led me to her.  i love this girl, guys.  and i want it to work out. i want to bring her home.  i want to go grocery shopping with her. i wanna do all the little things that add up to being a big thing...i really think she's the one.

"uh oh..its getting serious with her now." yes. it's getting serious. i havent been goo goo eyed over a girl since..well u know who..haha. BUT even tho im head over heels for this girl..dont make the mistake of doubting my fire..my burning desire for that M.D. degree behind my name.  im old now. i know the mistakes ive made in the past.

i will complete medical school. even if this girl chooses to break my heart or not.  med school will happen.

..with or without her.

Know the unknown

I feel uneasy about you. I feel like I don't completely know you. Maybe it's just my paranoia creepin' in. Either way, I need to learn more about you.


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tnereffid

i was hoping i would be different.  i was hoping i was something more than your past. wait..i actually did think i was more than your past, but im not.

you say that our relationship is just the same as your other ones...which makes me question, why are you even in this relationship with me? if it's all the same, what makes this one so special?  u said we do the same things.."kwento kwento". fcuk..you still even wanna play the same games that you and ur ex played.  what if i started doing things that my exes and i did? what if i included that into our relationship? but that's a different story.

what makes this relationship so different? if it's the same as ur past ones..why be in this one? why dont u just go back to previous one?  he still loves you anyways..which brings me to my next topic..every time we get a good moment with each other..a text has to come from that guy..and no matter how many times u say, "ok..ill change my card." u never do.

what's the fckn difference in our relationship??? huh??? what??? if we make kwento kwento like ur other ones..then theyre all the same.

ive told you numerous times..how different you are compared to my past ones...and i know i shouldnt get all mad about you saying your past relationships are the same as ours, but i was hoping i would at least be different..even in the slightest possible way.

whatever tho.  it is what it is.

story about you.

hmm..i havent really had a good entry in awhile..i just havent been in a mood to write i guess.

if youve read my past entries..u notice i only write when im completely stressed out or just bothered..but for the past two months..i havent been stressed at all..w/c leads me to my next topic.

i have a new girlfriend..she's from here, the philippines. ive known her since november 2009..and i kinda crushed on her during december, and she crushed on me as well. but didnt wanna pursue it coz the "language barrier". then as you all know when i went back in late dec..i ran into some old ghosts..so in january i was pretty broken..but i was pickin myself back up..and my crush for my gf started to grow again, but i tried to think nothing of it..coz i didnt wanna get involved in another relationship..especially involving one with a clash of cultures.

around february..she gave up on me..coz i wasnt making any moves and she started to have a crush on this one guy. ill call him takla to maintain privacy..so yeah, takla.  she started to like takla..and immediately my heart started to race..my chest burned with jealousy..and i knew i had to make a move soon..or i was gonna lose her..in my head..i was like "f*ck this language barrier!".  so yeah. i pursued her..i had to step up my "descarte"..haha..that's "game" in tagalog. anyways..yeah..middle of feb..we started hanging out a lot..and all that..then finally on feb 25..we made it official..or so i thought! hahaha..apparently she didnt know that we were official on feb 25th, so i changed the date to feb 26th..hahaha.

ever since then..i havent looked back..there IS NO language barrier..we understand each other perfectly..we can even tell a story by just looking at each others eyes. at first..i thought this relationship was just gonna be like a small thing..like u know..we go out for awhile, then after graduation..it's done..

BUT NO! ..our story will go on..our story will go on after nursing..after medical school...our story will go on until time itself ends.

ive met my match..she has the wits, the charm, the looks, the brains, the smile, the eyes, and more importantly, she has tamed me. this girl..she has so much pride, it almost matches my level..coz, u see? i never really apologize to girls..i dk..even if i know im wrong..i still dont apologize..but this girl..it's like..i wanna apologize..i want to say sorry to her..

i love this girl..and im not ashamed to post it on my blog..or tell the whole world. 

panghet.

when im with you, i dont have to try.  i dont have to try to make it work..it just keeps going on and on..your smile is what keeps the happiness within us.. its your eyes that guide this relationship...its your laughter that fuels us.  im just a passenger riding along in this dream. cherishing every ounce of enjoyment i can get from being with you. 

i never thought i would fall for someone like you..someone here in the philippines for that matter.  but with you..it's different..its like im supposed to see you everyday..it feels like im supposed to see your smile every day of my life.

i know some ppl are gonna say "dont take this too seriously..you guys have only been together for a short time." honestly tho..it feels like ive known her forever. 

i dont know..everything about her just talks to every inch of my being.  its like even if we come from different cultures, we can still level with each other and have conversations with each other without even opening our mouths.

i could be wrong about her..i could be right about her..but if i take my hearts advice i can assume that she is the one i want.

thanks for a good bday, bayyy. ily.

*hoy pagong..i know its short..the reason is because i see you everyday..so the things i wanted to write here, ive already said to you.*

real entry.

so..it's been awhile since a real entry has been posted.  so i guess ill update you guys on what's the happs.

so..im a senior now..w/c means only 1 more year left of this nursing stuff..then onto what i really want. medical school.  i cant believe how the tables have turned..almost 4 years ago..i was a fck up..i was just going to class coz i had to.  now it's like..im going to class coz i want to.

im sooo stoked to get that m.d. behind my name.  i dont care about the salary at all either..im more concerned about the knowledge that comes with being a doctor.  the more i read about medical school, the more i realize how minuscule the nursing curriculum is compared to a doctors..w/c becomes motivation for me.  like, say im having trouble on a nursing topic..when i think about how medical school is and how much harder it is, im more motivated to just push myself, coz it's nothing compared to the latter.

i had my first summer rotation over at AUF med..and i see these nurses that are all tired walking, giving meds, and all that shit..and it just makes me laugh. coz an hour later..i see clerks and residents coming in that have only received 2 hours of sleep..doing their rounds..completing drug presentations..and randomly dozing off while doing those things..

that stuff would normally make a person steer away from that kind of profession..but for me? i want that. i wanna get as tired as them.  i wanna lack sleep coz of too much work..i wanna look all haggard coz of it.  coz that's what i truly wanna do.

that's  why i dont get these kids in nursing..staying up till like 3 am studying one topic.. maybe if they stopped watching tv, playing stupid computer games..and stupid facebook games, they could get a decent 8 hour sleep...the latest ive slept was like 12 am. and that was for a final exam. 

you know the avg time a medical student sleeps? 4 am. then gets up around 6-7 am for clinicals.

yeah yeah..this medical school ramble is stupid..and you guys prly think im bashing nursing..when in reality im not.  i admire what nurses do.  without them, who would listen to our complaints?? ahahaha..but kidding aside, like my ncm teacher said, doctors and nurses have a very particular set of skills w/c make them invaluable to the health care team.

but in the end..the Doctor is the one that calls the shots.  the doctor is the captain of the ship.

and as of this day..i have less than a year to start on that journey. 

still alive

keep it real world.

nursing is an art.

my teacher told me im gonna enjoy ncm 104.  --it's about the body..nothing about communicating with psych patients.

i hate psychiatric nursing.  id rather just deal with the abnormalities of the patient..instead of knowing what to say to them.  im more into just how everything works..and the shit i shud do to fix shit that isnt working in the body. 

right now we're going over psychiatric illnesses..and i mean..im top notch when it comes to recognizing symptoms, and chemical or structural abnormalities, but when it comes to therapeutic communication, i just suck...

i guess..that's another perk of being a doctor....correct me if im wrong, but doctors mainly deal with the main problem..they dont really have to deal with complaints of the patient..coz nurses do that shit..like what to say and all that..blahh..

i just love the anatomy and physiology of the body..i could care less on how to respond to a patient asking me about how i should console him...and in the future that wont be my job.. it will be the, no offense, to the nurses.

another music entry.

remember when the music u listened to was basically your identity? or u assumed that ppl would look at you a certain way if they heard what music u listened to?  like when i listened to underoath i used to think that ppl would think i was atypical in a cool way..i mean, i still listen to underoath..haha..oh for those of you who dont know, underoath is a screamo band..but yeah..and if i listened to hieroglyphics [underground hip hop], i thought ppl would think i was a chill dude..haha. 

i used to just stick to just one genre actually..coz i thought that was the cool thing to do in high school..haha..now i just dont give a f.  i listen to everything..even country..yes..taylor swift counts as country in my book..and when i see ppl limiting themselves to one genre, it pisses me off..hahaha..coz all music should be listened too..each has it's own gravity..by that, i mean it has it's own unique way of making you zone out..but yeah..i just got back from clinicals..so im dunzo for now.

pieces.

awesome guy

dark knight

fcuuuk..my stupid signature thing wont work..i dk why.

anyways..i was lookin online if there was any recent news about a 3rd installment for the batman franchise. as some of you may know..im a huge batman fan..as geeky as it sounds..i dont really care..i grew up on that dude..my first action figure when i was 3 [or so my mom tells me] was a batman action figure..and i still have the very first batman movie [1989] VHS..crazzzzy..huh? yeah..it is.  so yeah..while i was lookin it up..it made me think about the day i watched dark knight.

it was the day before midterms.  i was a sophomore .and the day before dark knight would be released..if i remember right, it was july 17, 2008..and the release date was..obviously the 18th.  so yeah..im on my way back from coffee academy from studying, when i see on the sign of robinson's mall "dark knight"..im on a jeep already..im like.."fcuuuk...duuude..i cant believe it's in theatres already! gotta go back!" and another thing u guys may know is im a study freak..ill flake on ppl, not return texts/calls, and all that if i got some studying to do..but that day..i got back on a jeep and went to robinsons...so yeah..get into the theatre..and the opening scene starts..

the feeling i got from that was just like the way i felt when i would step in to kb toys or toys r us, or any toy store for that matter when i was a kid. i was in awe..like..i couldnt believe i was finally watching it..coz ive been following the movie a year before..look at production clips and all that, movie stills, and any news about the dark knight..so as u can tell i was pretty stoked. and to finally watch it on the big screen..man..it was awesome..but yeah..that's all i gotta say..haha.


awesome guy (stupid signature thingy)

water spinach

so like..this entry is about water spinach..aka..kang-kong..ive been eating a lot of that lately..coz im broke as hell..well not really..im just tryin to save up money so i can go back to the states..haha..

and i dont really like saying the word kang-kong..coz for some twisted reason..it reminds of the word "thong." hahaha...so when i do end up saying it..it sounds hella funny..like when i go to a food joint, like chow-king..ill order kang kong.and the dude wont understand me..so i gotta say it like 3x more..hahah..

ahh..kang-kong..it makes me poop alot too..i think that's one of the things i like about it too..when i get up in the morning..and drink my coffee..i start to feel that uneasy feeling in my stomach..and u know what i do? i just smile..and let it build..build up to the point where i have to run to the restroom..sometimes ill bring a book with me..actually. make that most of the time..coz i like to marinate myself in the stench of my own shit..it's liberating....hahaha...that was stupid..but yeah..i do end up bringing a book with me..coz kang kong makes me shit pounds, son! it's good tho.

thanks kang-kong.

love,

awesome guy. (signature thingy isnt working..so i gotta do it manually..laaame.)

My lip bled

It's been awhile since I've blogged via iPhone. So yeah. I dk why I'm blogging right now. I just felt like typing. Haha. This is gonna go down as one the most pointless entries. I bid u adieu.

Awesome guy


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boogers.

 im tired..i really had a lot to say, but when i got outta the shower, it's like i washed away all my awesome ideas in shower.it sucks..coz it sounded cool while i was thinkin it...dont u hate that? like..when u have something really deep and philosophical to talk about, but when given the chance, youre like "uhm...shiiett..." or something like that..haha...and when u try hard to remember what i was about and u end up typing it, it sounds stupid and unorganized..kinda like my blogs..haha..i mean..theyre not THAT disorganized..i like to think of them as being "ordered disogranization" yeah..that's an awesome term..that should be a band name..hahaha..

fccuk..i remember in highschool..when all these bands would come out with ambivalent themes like "hidden in plain view" or ....shit..that's all i can think of right now..hahaha..oh here..pathetic at best...that's kinda ironic right? coz it's like..theyre at their best, but pathetic? whatever though.

see? my mind is wandering now..i really wanna keep writing, coz my fingers got that 'typing-rhythm' goin..u know what i mean? where like you havent hit the backspace button yet? coz you havent messed up any of your words?  yeaah..u know what im talkin about..anyways..

i think i remember what i was gonna write about now..

i wish i could smack the jeepney driver when he waits too long..i wish i could throw my shoe at the teacher that extends the time, i wish they would just put a big-ass gazebo over auf to protect us from the sun, i wish skin color wasnt such a fckn issue..im dark and proud..but have you looked at any of the billboards here in the pi? theyre all fckn white. i wish tricycles had a curfew..coz im sick and tired of hearing buzz by at 10 pm, i wish the roads were smooth..so i would fuckin twist my ankle every time i walk 3 feet, i wish ppl here had the same humor as back home, i wish ppl wouldnt panic at the thought of oral defense[ but ill save that for another entry], i wish ppl would realize that there's a difference between balancing business and pleasure and getting things done, i wish ppl would stop that nosebleed thing, i wish they had more items on the mcdonald's menu like back home, i wish that CHN was an elective [hahahaha], i wish i could pick my nose and find white boogers, instead of black ones coz of all the smog that went up my fckn nose throughout the day. i wish i could stick yellow paper up all the assess of the ppl that ask us to use it, i wish i could wrap those same ppl in manila paper,

and lastly, i wish the philippines a very prosperous country-hood.. coz face it..im here..might as well love the philippines..those are just wishes i know i wont get.

p's and love

Grandpa

I feel like I'm crossing the border of being psychotic. I'm sacrificing most of my social life to do well in school. Yeaah, I know I'm here for school so it shud be no problem. But there are times I just wanna let go of it all and just enjoy.

Some ppl think that I'm just too straight edged, that it's easy for me to turn down a good time, when in reality it's hard. I mean who wouldn't wanna drink, go out, and chill with friends? It's just human instinct to choose fun over something tedious such as studying. I wanna have fun.

Fortunately my self-discipline is sharp with regards to this. Yeah, I struggle, but my my self control always prevails. At least I like to think so. Haha.

The struggle is nothing. The will is everything.


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untitled.

so in ncm..i gotta write up an autobiography..it's for psychiatric nursing..im pretty stoked about it..i dk..i like writing about my experiences..coz theyre oh so super duper awesome...not really..or maybe they are..i like to think they are..haha...but i digress..

so uhm..there was a potential, but i decided to stop..it's worth it anymore..it's stupid..it's got issues that one cannot even begin to fathom [that sounded cool..hahaha..i dont think ive ever used the word "fathom" before] but yeah..im just gonna stop..coz this stress aint worth my time nor awesomeness..as a matter of fact..when im stressed..i just stop being stressed..and become awesome instead..true story.

so yeaah..im really tired..i dont wanna drink coffee tho..i just wanna stay up as long as i can without it..

[blaaah..im kinda conscious about my blog now..im tryin to make it as real as i can now..hahaa..ill just stick to my regular style..whatever..if it's not real for you..you can suck my balls]

so while some friends were over earlier..i began to realize how much of an ass hole i am..haha..i kinda feel guilty, but at the same time..i find it funny...and im kinda proud of it..i think the world needs more neutral assholes..i think im gonna coin that term. "neutral asshole"...im done..im tired..

awesome! 2 entries in 1 night..pieces.

damn

it's been daaays since my last blog.. i kinda have time right now..my groupmates are over right now..we're workin out our stupid thesis..i dk why we have to work on a stupid thesis for just a bachelor's degree..it's fckn ridiculous.

oh yeah, my group is having a sleep over too..coz this thing is due in 2 days..and we're only like 40% done..fcccuk...

im so sleepy..i wanna drink coffee..but im too lazy to get up

so yeah..just found out a got lot of readers..or maybe like 7..hahaha. and they say im real..so i guess that's awesome..aha..and uhm..about the word "aha"..i realized they use that differently here..like "aha" for me is like..half a laugh..ya digg? but here..they use itas reassurance..like we say "okay?" they say "aha" or "ha"..i dont fckn know..haha..something to that "a-ha" extent..lol..but yeah..i gotta get crackn on my work.

pieces world.

stupid entry.

i was supposed to sleep like 2 hours ago, but i couldnt sleep....so i just watched "up in the air" starring george clooney..good movie..but depressing..i thought it was gonna have a happy ending, but it didnt..i suggest you guys watch it.

uhm..yeah..that's it..i have some more to say..but dont feel like typing it..my hands arent as "flowy" as they usually are when i type..u know what i mean? when like the keyboard feels solid as hell? anyways, im out.

pieces.

Shut up and work.

I'm tired of living here. I'm tired of the heat and humidity. I'm tired of the smog that enters my lungs wherever I go. I'm tired not understanding what ppl are saying in kapampangan. I'm tired of the maturity level my classmates display. I'm tired of dumbing down my maturity level for them so i won't be ostracized.

It's hard being away from home. It's hard being in a different country. It's hard adjusting my behavior for these damn ppl, coz they take things so fckn personal. It's hard being here when I know I could be home if I just listened.

It's frustrating putting up with the ppl here coz they don't share the same culture as me. It's frustrating being here without my roots.

This is my cocoon.


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Me day.

today was just a 'me' day. after clinicals, i got dressed up, went to the mall, bought myself a 16 gig usb for my music, treated myself to some sbarro's (a deep dish philly cheese steak pizza, chocolate calzone, and washed it down with a nice bottle of h2o), and bought myself two movies..ahh..it's good to be me..i needed this break.

ever since i got back from the states, ive been hustlin..and this little breather makes me feel recharged somewhat.  i think every last fri of the month will be a day i just throw out all the self-discipline and just relax..hmm..yeah..that sounds good...actually..it sounds awesome..like me.

this is my musical attack

hmm..im blogging..coz i need a break from studying..my past blogs seem half-assed to me..so im gonna try to make this one super duper awesome..like me.

Mr. Auerbach said that, “Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.”

which is true. but music is such a double edged sword..like it sets moods right? but sometimes it sets moods that arent true..like it sets false moods..like for example..when i would listen to "the background" by 3rd eye blind..i would think of "her"...coz the song talks about how this guy lost his partner coz she died..haha..i know i dont relate to it, but..blah..ill just put in a segment that i can relate to..haha.

Everything is quiet since youre not around
And I live in the numbness now
In the background
I do the things we did before..

The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And Im hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
Im in the background
Words they come and memories all repeat

I felt you long after we were through, we were through

so yeah..ill post a link to the song later on..but as you can see..that can totally make u miss someone even more..but is it a true feeling? or is it just coz the song is making you feel that way.

now, if i listen to another song by the same band called "motorcycle drive by" my mood changes..it makes me not miss that person..and makes me wanna move on...so yeah..here some snippets that i can identify with

When I came to visit you
That's when I knew I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive...

And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen ..


And this is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am..

 I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

as you may notice, those lyrics would make anyone wanna move on..and the last segment was in a previous entry..so yeah..

so what's the point of this entry? i dk..i just wanted to talk about how music can influence a person a lot..despite it all...music is my sweetest drug.

The background
Motorcycle drive by

Phone blogging

I've never been really proud of any accomplishments I've made in my life. Like h.s. graduation. I mean graduating from nursing school next year doesn't even sound something I shud be excited about. I dk.

I think the only time I will really be proud of myself is when I get that md degree. I know it's far off, but like I'm just so stoked about it. I'm stoked for the sleepless nights I'll have to go thru, the endless analysis of clinical situations, the struggle of grasping concepts I'm not familar with, and the continuous learning that occurs even after graduating med school.

Coz this is what I want to do. I believe everything I've done my whole life, the ppl I've met, the struggles, the pain, the good times, and bad times have led me to this moment.

The following is my analysis:

Everything happens for a reason. The break up in 2006 made me feel alone. It made me feel weak and I ended up stronger at the end. It made me strong so that I could go to the Philippines and study without being distracted by missing home. Breaking up with my most recent ex gf- to teach me and give me the courage to do things that are necessary- to remind myself why I'm here. To get one thing done. To get my degrees. And for me to reconnect with asil, so that when I come back to the Philippines, no girl will distract me from school, coz my stubborn self will always hope for her and not anyone else. For the the random night of talking with her and never talking again--it motivates me to go all the way and finish med school. To show herand other ppl....I AM more.

But yeah. Haha. That's just my thinking. I could care less if you agree with me or not. P's out.

Awesome guy


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read me.

i think ive mastered the art of balance.  the balance of business and pleasure. 

i dk how to begin this, so it's gonna be a sloppy beginning..so yeah..ive balanced it.  i get a full 8 hours of sleep a night, i work out 4x a week, get all my studies done, and once in awhile kick it with some friends...all this without getting sick.  coz u know, when u get stressed out from school and other shit, your immune system drops..i dont really wanna expand on why coz im already tired typing..haha..so yeah. i havent gotten sick *knock on wood*..i take my multivitamin and stuff and 1gm of vit c at night, so i guess that helps too.

i dk what this entry was tryin to get at..i guess it's just another one of those 'my lip bled' entries..hahahaha..good times.

p.s. tag the box and remind me to paste my to-do list from my xanga..i keep forgetting..coz im not an elephant..coz elephants dont 4get..fun fact.

We gotta

Have an entry where I'm on the throne dropping the kid off at school. So yeah. Here is one. Haha.

Dang this one is a tough one. I'm pushin hard right now. Oh wait, somethins peekin....ohhhhh..there ya go! Bomb deployed.

Twas a good shit.

Awesome guy.


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Location:On the toilet

One fell swoop

I'm writing this in class.

I've had no appetite lately. My studies are taking over every single decision I make. Like if I'm hungry and I have sone studying to do, I just ignore the feeling. And I'm really trying to save money to go home. I just wanna finish my training here and gtfo.

5 more years bitches. And I'm out of this cocoon.


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there is no happily ever after.

was 2 nights ago a fluke? like..did u really wanna talk to me? or was it the alcohol talking?

coz i swear. i was this close to diving back in again. It was foolish of me to think she mightve wanted more than just a friendly conversation. I dk. We talked for two hours, fired back and forth with each other like we used to. I felt the chemistry again. Maybe she didn't, but I did.

it's a good thing i tested the waters with her. i dk what she feels..i know i shudnt think much of it..she was under the influence and she wanted to talk. was it the alki? or did she genuinely wanna talk to me? im thinking it was the alki. i think 2 nights ago was just nothing but drunk talk from her. haha.

wanna know somethin pathetic? the next day i was hoping we would talk after her little fraternity rush thingamajigger. i was really hoping. i looked through my inbox every like 5 min. just to see if she replied..hahaha..im not even sad..i just feel so pathetic. i feel pathetic for thinking..no, fuck that..hoping that we would be able to talk that night..but there's more...that was only yesterday where i checked my inbox like a madman...i even thought tonight [fccuk..2 days of stupid hoping] we would be able to talk..hahaha..we shot messages back and forth for awhile..but she had some 21 and up activities to attend to. stupid me. i shuda realized she's in college..away from home..21..with a great affinity to having fun all the time. why didnt i realize that?

i almost feel sad. but i feel more pathetic. im laughing at myself as i type this. 2 nights ago was like a controlled explosion..that took off some of the stone that got built around my so-called heart. but today..the layer that was blown off just grew even thicker.

ever since i met her..shit..even until today, she was the only one that could take off the layers of cement, stone, walls..whatever u wanna call it..around my heart...she was the only one that could change my mind in a hot second about the way i felt...like..if i said i was over her..and then if she messaged me 5 min later..i would be on her like white on rice... but as of this moment...she's nothing special anymore...she doesnt hold that power over me anymore..she's nothing but another girl to me.

i used to think she was the greatest person id ever met...that nothing could ever match up with her...that no girl i would meet, date, etc would ever reach her status..but now..when i think of her..it's just.."meh..ok..yeah..she's just a girl." it's time to just focus on school...and, i hate to say it, in med school, maybe i will meet a girl as ambitious, driven, random, mean, and as much of control freak as i am. who knows? all i know is that..i bit the bullet..now it's time to just move on. I'm sorry for thinking we couldve been more.

Are we friends? Yeah, we're friends, asil. :)

[and some of u haters out there can i say "ohh..youve had so many entries about moving on..when will you actually move on?" true..ive had a lot of entries about it..but this feeling is different..it's hard to explain..but im finally done. just take my word for it.]

Lmao

I'm so stupid. I can't believe I fell for it again.


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blah.

youre such a bittersweet symphony.

S'il vous plaît. Attends-moi.

still strong

longest day of my life. im not used to having sat. off.  and that means more idle time and studying time.it's the idle time i fear the most. coz that's when the unwanted thoughts come out from hibernation. i try to put them back to sleep by studying, but i pretty much know my shit, and when i over study i tend to get a migraine.

so now, i just gotta deal with the idle time.  tryin to keep them in the box as long as i can. 

youre ever so inviting.  i dk what to think.  even though i know we cant be together anymore..youre always that little background music playing in my head..even in my sleep i hear and feel you. i dont know why i cant escape you. i mean..dont get me wrong ppl..it's not distracting to my studies at all..coz i know when to shut that part of my mind down when im studying.  i have no clue why i cant just let go of you..its been 4 FCKN YEARS...hahaha..it's funny/pathetic. i dk what it is about you that a part of me wont let go of. even until now..i think about the things we did before. the plans i made still have you in them..coz you always seem to show up in my head..blah..your voice is music to my ears.

.

ironically resilient and industrious

There are more serious problems in life than financial ones, and I've had a lot of those. I've been broke before, and will be again. Heartbroke? That's serious. Lose a few bucks? That's not. - Willie Nelson

We as humans are very resilient and industrious.  If you look back on how far we've come in terms of technology, medicine, and just thinking, in general, we've come a long way.  We have vaccines for things that killed of many people in the past, we have psychologists that can analyze your thinking, and we have machines that can send us to space.  Unfortunately, we havent been able to come up with some kind of antidote for heart-break.  One of the most fundamental feelings all humans share.  I dont care if youre some kind of hard-knock gangster, some low life punk, or cold person in general.  We've all experienced heart break at some point in our life.

It's funny, the very thing that keeps the blood flowing in your body is also our greatest source of pain.  Yes, i know that the anatomical heart has nothing to do with it, but you do it feel it in your chest, not your head.  For the sake of avoiding an argument, just humor me.

There's a quote i used for one of my reports on stroke at school and it's:  "The brain gives the heart its sight. The heart gives the brain its vision." (Kall)  Im not gonna explain the quote on here, coz that's just gonna take too much time.  Just use that brain of yours and think about it.

I think most of us will agree that we would rather have physical pain, such as having a fever, flu, or other illnesses, than the grief of heart break.  We all know that fevers, flus, etc, can be controlled with medication, but the stress and grief produced by heartbreak can almost make you feel like your body is breaking, like your heart is being pulled out of your chest, and being thrown in the ocean.  and sadly, there's no cure for that.  Wait, actually there is. and that is time.  as much as i hate to say it, time does heal everything.  but if you can relate to what ive said so far, you know time can only put you back together so much.  you either grow to be stronger and wiser, or just cold and indifferent. in some cases, both.

so, what's the source of this heart break i speak of?  okay, well im 22 years old, so by using ur clever deductive skills, you can assume im talking about a former significant other.  it's crazy.  when your with that someone, you think to yourself, "how the hell did go through life without knowing this person??"  and when the break up is nearing, you say "psh, i went through life without knowing you before, so i can do it again."  and when it does happen, you never felt alone like that in your whole life.  the morning calls/texts, the night calls, the wknds where you would just lay there and watch a movie are all part of the past.  a song by one of my all time favorite bands, 3rd eye blind, summed it up pretty well, "and i never felt alone, till i met you...i was alright on my own, till i met you."

its amazing how some songs can relate to you in situations such as this one.  I remember, all i listened to during my break up in 2006 was "daphne loves derby" and "dashboard confessional."  it's a bittersweet feeling because, you realize that youre not the only who has experienced these things, but you also realize how pathetic and miserable you really are.

so anyways, yeah, heart break.  it's healed by time.  but time, like i said time can only put a small bandage over a severe laceration.  ill use myself as an example.  this past dec, [i know some of you know this story, but IF there are any new readers out there, id like to orient them] i met up with my ex girlfriend.  we broke up in 2006 and she was my very first love, and my very first heartbreak.  i was devastated after the break up.  up until that dec date, we hadnt seen each other in 4 years.  and when i saw her on that cold tuesday night, i felt whole again.  i felt like the 4 years of not seeing her hadnt occurred at all.  i felt the connection again....BUT long story short, things didnt work out in the end.  and i was back to square one.  i know there are some contenders out there thatll say, "oh dont worry about it.  there are many other girls.  youll meet girls when u go to med school that are just as ambitious as you..smart, sexy, funny, etc."  yeah..thanks guys..sure. who wouldnt wanna girl like that?  my dream girl would be exactly like that, but as paul from 500 days of summer would say [slightly modified], "this girl is better than the girl of my dreams... She's real."

and now here i am. im still putting myself back together, because there is no antidote. because i am resilient. because through struggle, strength is born.

maybe the reason why there is no antidote for heart break is because we as humans SHOULDNT have one.  as a human being, we must learn to deal with the agonizing pain, grief, and struggle that comes along with it.  we must learn to strive and keep moving forward.  because we are resilient.

will we ever get over that one person? who knows.  im almost there, but who's to say that in 10 years i wont fall for her again.  and if i do and things dont work out, what will i do then?  ill do what i have to do. strive. because i am resilient.

ill end this entry with snippet of one of my favorite songs by third eye blind..again. [stephen jenkins is a genius]

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

It's none of my business

But, I would trade spots with you. Now I may not know the whole story and what not, but this is my blog and my own personal opinion.

As some of you may have noticed a majority of my January entries have been mostly about heart break and a certain girl. So there's this friend of mine that's in a similar situation, but the cath is, they're still living in the same fcukin country..no wait, fuck that..same city. Long story short, they're broken up but they still love each other. So here goes:

The things I would do to have that chance to live in the same city with her are immeasurable. Why don't u guys just ride it out. I would milk every second I have with her, even if it's just a superficial conversation. You guys both love each other. Yes I know, things aren't certain right now, but no relationship ever grew out of certainty. So in my opinion, take that plunge. And if and when he leaves the country, at least you know you didn't waste the time u had with him while he was still walking on the same pavement as you.

Awesome guy

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Location:J. Surla St,,Philippines

snapola

fcuuuk...ive been hella busy..just found enough time to blog right now..my ncm class just turned up the heat and shit..so i had to step up my game more to be one step ahead of it.

anyways..im tired..time to study..pieces world.

Chill weekend

Pretty chill weekend. Watched a movie with the cuzzo and ate steak.

Today was chill too. Went to mass, ran some errands, studies and watched Sherlock. Haha.

So I've been getting complemented by quite a few ppl about how well I write. So I'm pretty flattered. A friend of mine actually used a snippet of an entry as her status update on facebook. This brings me to my next topic.....I only write really well when i'm heart broken. That's what I've noticed, coz when I'm not hurting, I just write random entries like this one and other ones you've prly read. Haha.

Anyways, I'm sleepy. I think "legion" comes out this Friday. So my cuz and I are prly gonna have another man-date. Pieces.

Awesome guy


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so it begins.

after a couple weeks of being back..everything is back to normal. she has exited my mind for the time being.  now it's just time to focus on my career.  it's a bittersweet feeling..i feel as if im finally free from her, but at the same im betraying her by forgetting about her..mixed feelings is all.

bitter, coz i dont wanna forget about her, i feel like if i forget about her, she'll forget about me..bitter coz i dont want her to think i dont love her anymore. 

but,

sweet, coz i can finally get back to my main goal without attachments, heartache, distractions, and longing.

Bittersweet
You're gonna be the death of me
I don't want you, but I need you
I love you and hate you at the very same time
Bittersweet

empyt

tired as fudge. my head hurts..i pulled an effin blitzkrieg on my ncm class..ive been hitting it hard since monday..im gonna ace this test..no doubt.

anyways..i cant type anymore

tomorrow..my cuzzo and i are gonna enjoy some steak with rice, water spinach, and watch batman begins..ahh..the simple pleasures in life.

you hear that?

no..come closer..closer..if you listen closely, youll be able to hear a bit of my soul:



good evening..this is miguel's soul speaking.  i will speak on his behalf.

if there's one thing you noticed about miguel the past two weeks. he's been an asshole to some people.  and he doesnt regret it, but he does acknowledge it.  his mind is focused only one thing and that's to finish school.

yes, yes..he walks like one of you, does the same work load as all of you..sometimes he even tries to speak like you, but please make no mistake, he is not one of you.  he only came to the philippines with one thing in mind. and that was to pull himself out of the hole he dug for himself.  to make a life for himself.  anyone he met along the way was nothing, but part of the territory.  miguel is too mild mannered to admit this, but when nursing is over, he wont remember some of you guys.

please, dont act surprised.  dont tell me you didnt notice how he gave you all the cold shoulder when he went back to the states.  he barely even went on facebook to reply to your messages.  after nursing, he's gonna close that chapter of his life and move on to the next chapter of med school..there he will meet ppl and again, walk beside them, but not with them.  his ultimate goal is to finish and come back to his family's arms, successful, independent, and strong.
 

until next time.

Bored and burnt out

Just chillin at the hospital right ..no cases. Listening to angels and airwaves right now. I've been hooked on this album since it came out in 2006.

Anyways, I don't think I can look at my handouts anymore. I've been hitting em hat or the past 3 days and it's come to the point that when I look at em, a h/a automatically hits me. So yeah, I'm takin a break from that for awhile. Anyways, I'm just gonna take a nap on the desk now.

Pieces

Awesome guy


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i can resist everything except temptation

tempted to go on facebook and check her profile..so now im writing here..

gaaah..my stomach hurts..i dk if it was the fish i ate from the stand or the siomai..i hope i dont get mad diarrhea.

so do u guys like my new signature? pretty sick right? yeah..took me awhile to figure out how to do it..google is pretty helpful.

but yeah..today we had a case involving an amputation..the woman was a diabetic and had gangrene on her foot..her toes were all black and shit..pretty smelly too i might add..so yeah, they had to amputate..they used a bone saw..and just sawed it like a tree..haha..anyways..

im goin shoppin on appulo right now for some new apps..i love my iphone..i jail broke it myself..coz im a hacker like that. what up...the iphone is so useful..i use it for my drug studies, references for a&p, s/sx of diseases, email, facebook, texting, and calling..it does everything..

sleepy. peace.

test run

for new signature.

Operating room

So I'm in the OR right now. Chillin. We got a case. It's a "below knee amputation" anyways, gotta scrub in bitchez. Out.

Awesome guy


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hungry..again

i just ate lunch. it was just water spinach and rice with teriyaki sauce.  im on a budget right now. i really wanna go home this march or april or may..shiiiiet..iono..hhahaha..[that sounded really ghetto]. and im tryin to cut the weight i gained during winter break.  so yeah.

im tempted to go on facebook and do stupid stuff, so now im blogging..and it helps..i have to leave for clinicals soon too.  man, my stomach is growling..but whatever.  i can handle it. i dont really know what else to write about.

ohh yeah, i finished the 1st percy jackson book..it was pretty cool..kinda kiddish, but cool.  i started the second book yesternight.  so we'll see how that one is.  anyways, im out.

awesome guy.

Big mac with cheese

Fudge! I'm so effin hungry right now. I wanna go on a food run to mcds, but I know that stuff ain't healthy, especially this late at night. Ahhhhhhhh.

Anyways, I've been hitting my ncm class hard lately. Mainly coz the current topics are a little tricky. We're doin communicable diseases right now. There's a whole lot of info. But yeah.

I have a pimple on my chin and it hurts...ouch Charlie! Anyways, got clinicals tomorrow, pm shift again...what a burnout. I'm out tho.

Awesome guy.

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your biggest fan.

99%...no, that is not one of my grades.

Almost there.

Looking at the girl's facebook profile just makes me move on even faster, w/c is a good thing.

Seeing her having fun over there, meeting new ppl, and going to parties make me feel pathetic that I was wrapped around her finger all this time. And most of all encourages me to move on even more.  Makes me feel pathetic that I put myself thru all that shit in the late part of dec and early Jan.

Seeing her enjoyment makes me want to be able to move on quick like that.

and please ppl..if ur reading this and ur thinking "uh oh..now he's gonna get discouraged from med school..my gosh..he gets so distracted with this girl" just stop reading already..coz 1st off, no..im not discouraged at all to go to AND finish med school, 2nd off..look at number 1.

so yeah..anyways, im like in purgatory right now..like between happiness and sadness..coz im somewhat apathetic right now to the things around me.. the only thing i care about are my grades and myself..the past week and half, ive been a hermit..not knowing what to feel..it feels like my apathy is my motivation to do well..coz it feels like my intellect is all i have now..i feel like itll get me places, fuck that..i KNOW itll get me places.that itll transform me into something more..something better..and that when im finished..all the ppl that i met along the way, all the ppl that doubted me, and all the ppl that have hurt me in my past will notice what ive become and regret their actions.

dont get me wrong..that's not my motivation..i guess it just comes with the territory.

ive changed things..forever.

oh yeah..another song im feelin..haha.. check it out.

NeverShoutNever- biggest fan

Your Biggest Fan

I'm a real big fan of yours
But I'm quite the joke to you
But girl it wasn't a joke when you
Kissed me in your room and replied
"I love you too"

I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn

sha da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

And I get to the point where
All I wanted for for us to make up
But its not that easy
Cause girl you move on so quickly
Keeping a boy like me at the edge of his seat

And I know everything you do
Is all about your perfect image
Well I hope this song
It helps your image

sha da da da da da da da da da da
da da da
I'm so over you now

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

And I was one who thought I was strong
Well you proved me wrong
Now I'm singing along every song
On the radio i dont wanna go
Come on baby tell me
Something I wanna know
Now wanna see what is on my mind
Because slack of motivation is
taking over my time and I'm sick of trying

All together now!

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why I'm
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

yep. see you then.

gaaah..she's come back to bite me in the ass again..just when i thought she was done circling the block, she's back. blaah..i dk. i just need to build higher walls now...no more checking in on stuff and shit..anyways

i was looking at my old xanga blog..ive had since high school..and in it was the blog i did in 2006 after i got dumped..i copied and pasted it onto word..and it's 25 pages long! that's crazy..that's in 12 size font.  but yeah..and i read random entries..and it just made me feel stronger and shit like that..ohhh and i found my to do list.

i had like a "to do list" on there..when i have time..im just copy and paste it onto this blog..so i can continue the list..haha..anyways, gotta study..prly blog later tonight.

pieces.

Koolioness for mobile blogging. It's so convenient. I can't get over it. haha.

So yeah, i was thinking about changing the song on my blog, but not anymore. I think i'm gonna keep that "house m.d." theme going..coz he's also one of my reasons for becoming a doctor...but that's another story.

I used to change the songs on my blog maybe every 3-4 days.. Each time with a purpose.. Like to spread a song, remind someone of memories we had, an all that other bullshit. But now, I just don't care anymore.

Hmm.. What else? Oh yeah, I'm gonna apply tomorrow for the med school entrance exam..so that's exciting I guess. Haha. I'm dunzo tho. Sleeeeepyyy.

Your truly,

Awesome guy


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organized thoughts

man..what a day..im so tired..just got done studying and all that..and i get tomorrow off..so that's good. i love my schedule..mon-tues lecture..wed off..thurs-sat clinicals..sun. off.  i like the random break on wed..helps keep my mind from burning out.

anyways, i got my ncm grade..ncm is basically an 8 unit class..coz clinicals are tied in with it..uhmm..what else, ncm is where they basically teach you all the nursing stuff u need to know..no b.s. info..so yeah..i got 96 bitches..that's crazy..

oh wait, before i proceed, i have to drop some info..i dont like mentioning this to anyone..in fact only a few ppl know, but i earned a scholarship 2 years ago..so i basically get 40% off my tuition coz i have an overall avg of 92%..w/c leads me to my next thought.

so yeah..96 in ncm and another 96 in my other class..i have yet to know what my last class' grade is..so yeah..my thinking is, maybe...MAYBE i could reach that 95% avg..and that means i get 50% off..that would be sick..now to my next thought

in order to reach that average, i would have to be a hermit...and now i dont mind being one..coz ive just been hooked on books when im not doin shit anyways..like i said in an earlier entry, i dled the percy jackson books..and right now, im dling all the sherlock holmes books..so i can read it too..the movie was awesome by the way.

uhmm..yeah..i think that's it..oh wait..so yeah, i got some calvin klein underwear from the states, but i havent even worn em here yet..i dk why..it's like when i see em in my drawer, i dont wanna waste em on a school day..i wanna wear em when something worth doing comes along..like going on a date or something..or grilling some steaks..hahaha..


siiiigghh....im so awesome.

Class entry

I'm at school right now. Using the 3g network..uhh son! Haha.

I'm on a break right now, just chillin in the classroom. I don't really have much to say. Oh wait, this morning when I was getting ready to brew some coffee, I saw a cockroach inside the fckn pitcher thingy...so nasty. Ugh.. Whatevs tho.

Here's a random pic. It's my wallpaper on my phone. Haha.


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Chillin

At the amurao inn.. Somethin somethin..

I'm like so lazy to blog right now, which I guess is a good thing, coz like I said I only blog a lot if I'm stressed out.

So yeah, hmm..my friend came over today to get the shit my mom got her from the states. She was grateful as always. She told me how she has a crush for one my friends.. And surprisingly I didn't get all jealous and what not..[ohh yeah..I didn't mention this on my blog, but I used to like the said girl a lot]..I guess I just don't care anymore or Im just still not 100% done with "her." either way I didn't care about her telling me her crushes...uh yeah..that's it. Not much too it.. I mean it's pretty significant to me coz at an earlier time I wouldve gotten all worked up about it..so yeah.. Pointless story, but whatever.

I'm sleepy now.

Pieces, world.


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today

was a pretty chill day. i got an hour early for my first class..and 1.5 hours early from my last class..so i was able to get my workout in..and write this blog..im gonna study in like 10 min. i just wanna chillax for awhile.

so yeah..i feel pretty relaxed overall..now that i cleared up that whole blogging issue, i dont have to pretty picky about what i write down. so yeah..i got my grade from one of my classes..it's a 97..uhhh bitches! dont really care about it tho..coz i mean..what else would i do here in the pi, besides study? so it's expected.

DUUUUUDE!!! do guys have the latest john mayer drop? in my opinion, it's his greatest album..i mean..i guess coz i can relate to each fckn song..i mean we all can relate to songs, but i relate to this whole album..even the album title, "battle studies". i suggest you guys cop the album asap. im gonna be a lame blogger and put the lyrics down and a link to the song..coz i wanna share it..coz it's an awesome song...shiiiiiit..im an awesome guy.

oooh yeah...forgot to mention this, [youll enjoy this, if youre still reading my blog]..so for our drinking water..it's a 5 gallon jug thingy..and yeah..so when my cousin was getting water, two..[are you ready?]...2 cockroaches came out of the little dispenser and into his glass!!

but yah..i wasnt really grossed out[ but i know you would be, coz you still couldnt get over the fact that cockroaches exist in my house..haha]. so anyways, im gonna cut it here...gotta get crackin on my studies..here are the lyrics and the vid


john mayer- war of my life

Come out Angels
Come out Ghosts
Come out Darkness
Bring everyone you know

I'm not running
I'm not scared
I am waiting and well prepared

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of Time and there's no where to run away

I've got a hammer
And a heart of glass
I got to know right now
Which walls to smash

I got a pocket
Got no pill
If fear hasn't killed me yet
Than nothing will

All the suffering
And all the pain
Never liked to label

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's nowhere to run

I'm in the war of my life
At the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

No more suffering
No more pain
Never again

I'm in the war of my life
At the door of my life
Out of time and there's no where to run

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done
So Fight on, fight on everyone, so fight on
Got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

I'm in the war of my life
I'm at the core of my life
I've got no choice but to fight 'til it's done

i hope this is clear as glass

i have two issues to talk about today. one to clear up and another to clarify.

1) ive been taking some heat from some ppl thinking that im still broken over what happened back in the states. okay, so. im only human. it's only normal for me to feel the way i do.

yes, i know that i shouldnt be "throwing away my dignity and self respect" over this girl, but this girl was worth it all. you'll never truly understand the way i feel until youve lived a day in my shoes. and fine, say she wasnt worth it, it still doesnt help change the way i feel.

Now, to the main thing you guys wanna hear. yes, im still a little bruised up from it, but i am putting myself back together. im stronger, wiser, colder and that much more determined to finish med school. i will complete this task.

DONT THINK OTHERWISE, DONT EVER SPECULATE, AND NEVER EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF DOUBTING ME.

2)this blog is mine, and if you dont like what i have to say, you can stop reading it. i only asked you to promote it. i never forced you to read it. so that being said, there's the door.

cloudy day

im focused, but not feelin it.

i thought i was finished with you. dont you know the rules? no loitering on property..i.e. my head.

blah..ill just live journal this entry.

pieces.

Idle hands

Writing right now to keep my hands busy. I wanna contact her, but I know it's the wrong decision. I'm glad I'm sleepy, otherwise I'd think more about it and end up calling her.

Thank goodness for school.


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i wrote a whole entry on paper, but im deciding not to publish it..maybe another time.

im sleepy. i wish time would move faster. so i can finish school faster..gaaah.

Pm entry

So I find myself writing more in my bed, now that I have this option of doing so. Haha.

I'm so stoked to publish this thing when I'm done with school. Hmm.. 5 years, at the most? I wonder how many entries I'll have by then. I'll try to calculate one day. Maybe tomorrow. Haha.

Anyways, I just got a copy of all the Percy Jackson books..u know that lightning thief movie comin out? And so far, it's pretty good. I wanna finish the series before the movie comes out.
There's 4 books.

Blaahhh...need some shut eye.

Pieces.

P.s. Th drawing below was done by one of my classmates. It's like a drawing of our section/group. It's pretty sick. Find me.


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Location:J. Surla St,Angeles City,Philippines

It's pretty hot out today. I'm just here at the hospital again.

Not a busy day, so we just played charades. Haha. That shit is always fun.

Anyways, I've been thinking about starting a video log or something. But not really sure yet. Coz I dk how to edit and shit like that. I remember I made this one vid for my fam bam and it took forever to do. It was only a 3 min video too.

Anyways, Another reason pm shft sucks is coz there's hardly any patients needing emergency surgery. Most are elective, which mostly happens in the mornings.

But yeah. I'll cut it here. Blog later.

Pieces.


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chaos.

so ive been been hooked on this song by k-os. some canadian musician..and i thought i would share it..so he could get more famous..w/c is what i suggest you do with my blog..haha..ill put the lyrics at the end of this entry tho.

anyways, i got clinicals today..and i WAS supposed to hit the gym, but i got too much to study for. so im just gonna write a quick entry then get crackin.

so the song is called "i wish i knew natalie portman." i dont know why though..but you guys prly already know why i put the lyrics on here. coz........................i can relate to them. haha..why else would anyone put a song up? anyways here's the link..and lyrics are below

there's one part that doesnt apply to me though, which is.. "ive been takin apart microphones..youve been takin apart men youve blown"..haha..just dont ppl to think im an emcee. haha.

i wish i knew why

here are the lyrics:

[Intro]
I'm on the run, for my life
It's seems that everything that you said was right
Has come undone, lost my sight
But have you ever thought you've done your best
When you were under the gun, that's right
I know I've seen this place before, but it's never been so fun
Never been so fun

[Chorus]
I've been on the run
This Shadow weighs a ton
It's starting to make sense to me
I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

I've been on the run
Shadow weighs a ton
I know I found a recipe, for me
But I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

[Verse 1 - Saukrates]
You know I'm haunted on overseas
Haunted on each coast
Play them like ebaneeza
I made them see the ghost
Back from the future dawned in Japanese kimonos
Even though the streets show love to try to see me grow
I often see me floatin, but my shadow it weighs a ton
Call it baggage, I use it all to advantage
But I can't make you love me
This time it's on you
And you can't try to deny, these words when they're true
I'm on the run

[Chorus]
I've been on the run
This Shadow weighs a ton
It's starting to make sense to me
I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

I've been on the run
Shadow weighs a ton
I know I found a recipe, for me
But I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

[Verse 2 - k-os]
Let's gets a steppin
Your tongue is like a weapon
This is cappin from heaven and yet
So are y'es, since the age of seventeen
I've been taking apart microphones
You've been taking apart men you've blown
With glowing skeleton bones
In the closet, animals strike curious poses
They feel the heat between us
But you needs a woman's glorious diamonds and fetus
Carry my penis, I'm like the man in the moon, we kissed see you soon
On the run

[Chorus]
I've been on the run
This Shadow weighs a ton
It's starting to make sense to me
I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me

I've been on the run
Shadow weighs a ton
I know I found a recipe, for me
But I can't really make you love me
No I can't really make you love me